Just Look At The Man; You Can See How Much He Cares.
It just wouldn’t be an election cycle without some earnest gasbag telling you that this election is the most important in our lifetimes. This platitude becomes especially poignant in 2012–the most important election of our lifetimes. With the nation’s economy in tatters, our remaining resources bled by unsupportable foreign adventurism, and possessed of a moral and spiritual despondency heretofore unseen since the Great Depression, about the only thing left for Americans to do is to close their eyes, step down hard on the gas pedal and pray that the next life is more kind.
Family Values Are Just Like Any Other Value, And There’s A Lot Of Value In Chucking The Old Model When A New One Comes Along.
Unless we wish to see our national demise become a painful, drawn-out affair, the US needs a president who, like Samson of the Bible, will in his last breath tear down the pillars of society, who will remain unburdened by the prudish notions of loyalty and marital fidelity and for whom the truth is but another tool in his masterful arsenal. Now, more than ever, America needs Newt Gingrich.
‘King Of The Hill.’ That’s What They Used To Call Newt Before He Became A Washington Outsider.
What Is College For? ~ Doing drugs, having sex with questionable people and generally putting off real life for five or six years. And maybe learning something. You know, whatever.
Santorum on the rise: I’m the electable one ~ And we think you’ll be the best darn PTA recording secretary that the Midville School District ever had. Wait. You don’t mean for President, do you? President of the United States and Leader of the Free World? Rick, what fucking drugs are you on?
Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.
"Everything That We See Is A Shadow Cast By That Which We Do Not See."
Forty-plus years after his slaying in Memphis, Tennessee, Martin Luther King, Jr. remains a beloved figure not only in the United States of America, but throughout the entire world. His courage, moral example and dedication to non-violence catalyzed the civil rights movement to a degree that cannot be underestimated, and proved stronger even than the will of governments. The lives of millions were transformed through Dr. King’s efforts.
Suzie got pregnant. Her boyfriend was thrilled and wanted to be a father, but the dreams Suzie had for herself didn’t include a child. Against the wishes of her boyfriend, she bravely terminated the pregnancy. Suzie is an independent woman making choices for herself.
Because You Can't Let One Little Mistake Ruin Your Life.
Rob got his girlfriend pregnant. She wanted a baby and was ready to start a family, but the plans Rob had made for his future didn’t allow for the expense of raising a child. He didn’t want it, and demanded that his girlfriend terminate the pregnancy. She bravely refused, and took that selfish deadbeat to court. Rob is an asshole who’s only looking out for himself.
Well, Hopefully You Won't Make That Mistake Again. In The Meantime, You Have Eighteen Years To Think About What You've Done.
Choice is fundamental to our liberty. She decides whether to keep the child, and he decides whether to pay child support or go to jail for six months at a time. So in a way, everybody wins! ∞T.
We Looked Among All The Nations Of The World, And Could Find None More Deserving Of Our Praise.
We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this. We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes. Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it. Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.
Turns Out Somebody Made A Calculation Error When They Came Up With The 2012 Date. The Revised Figure Is 1492.
Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year. Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.
Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection. After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011. Still, the beloved news journal remains humble. “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t? But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that. Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”
Among that stuff was a string of dead dicks, despots and men of low character. 2011 bid farewell to a number of those comical tyrants who, through nothing more than style, a ridiculous outfit and balls the size of grapefruit, commanded legions to do their bidding. Osama bin Laden’s cringing demise among the fluid-spattered catacombs of his porn library taught us all to laugh again, while the image of Keystone Cops stumbling after wacky sand-despot Muammar Gaddafi in a madcap chase aross the Libyan desert gave us reason to laugh even harder. The ascendance of Steve Jobs and Kim Jong-il to their respective heavenly kingdoms reminded us that Gods too can die.
Among The Many Proposed Reforms Of The 'Arab Spring' Which Began In The Winter Of 2011 Is A Calendar That's Worth A Damn.
Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet. The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse. And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary. The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.
Fidel's Still Hanging In There.
Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation. Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West. Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check. The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets. In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.
For Real, We Totally Would.--Only, It Smells Like Pee And There's A Ton Of Poor People Walking Around.
The year was momentous for the United States. Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo. On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.
The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes. Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.
America: Where Our Unsettling Anthropomorphic Monsters Are Just A Little Bit More Patriotic.
President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism. And secret racism. Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.
The Bad News Is That Rome Is Burning. The Good News Is That Everyone In Our Studio Audience Will Be Going Home Tonight With Shiny New Fiddles!
Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration. The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity. Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.
For Newlyweds Lisa And Bingo Lamb, A Day At The Fair Is A Great Reason To Dress Up.
As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves. Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings. Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³ Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.
There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times.Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard. Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever. The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities. Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.
It Gets A Lot Less Sexy When You Realize She'll Be Dead Soon.
Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore. In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States. Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general. In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State. And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.
A Little Bit Like Schnitzel.
With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011. It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged. Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.
Bravo, Promethean Times.
NEVER AGAIN.
To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:
Amy Might Still Be Alive If She Had Filled Her Drug-Pipe With Harmless Tobacco Instead Of What She Actually Filled It With--Drugs.
The Thing We'll Miss Most? The Laughter.
CNN News Personality Anderson Cooper Was Too Beautiful To Live.
Sure, It's A Tragedy For The Ages, But We Take Some Small Consolation In The Knowledge That There's One Less Drunk On The Streets Tonight.
Quiet, Modest And Unassuming, Mr. Savage Exemplified The Qualities For Which America Is Admired Across The Globe.
Get It? We're Being Metaphorical. Trust Us, Chicks Dig Metaphors.
The Colonel's Friends All Believed It Was Gaddafi's Fascination With Thriller-Era Michael Jackson That Prevented His Promotion To General.
This Beautiful Creature Learned Too Late That If Something Lives, The Germans Will Find A Way To Kill It.
This One Time, When Smaktakula Was In Juvenile Hall On An Arson Charge, He Met A Guy Who Claimed To Be Jani Lane's Half-Brother, And Damned If The Kid Didn't Look Just Like Him. No, That's It.
Old Friend, We'll Miss You Most Of All. Circumstances Demand That We Dispense With The Childish, Insensitive Caricatures Upon Which We So Often Rely, But Rather, Respect Your Culture By Offering You A Farewell Not Only More Dignified, But In Keeping With The Proud Traditions Of Korea. In This Last Hour, Dear Leader, We Say Simply, "Sayonara."
¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.
² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication. ∞T.
³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda. Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia. That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.
America Doesn't Need Another Privileged Child Of Wealth, But A Self-Made Man, Like Donald Trump's Father.
America’s Republican Party got a shot in the arm with the recent news that Donald ‘The Donald’ Trump has switched his party affiliation from Republican to Independent. The real estate mogul and vulgar television personality had in years previous been registered as a Democrat.
Trump’s own plans are confusing. According to a source he may be planning an independent run in 2012, but also claims he will support a particular Republican candidate when the time comes. There is the danger that Trump’s opportunistic actions will divide the Republican field, allowing Barack Obama to win a second term despite his administration’s flagging popularity. Experts agree that as catastrophic as this situation would be, it remains a small price to pay to avoid a Trump presidency.
Trump Would Have Brought Desperately Needed Dignity To The Republican Race.
Here are a few other faces whose defection would buoy the Republican Party:
Unfailingly Reminds The Public Of A Slimy Amphibian. Since Willard Romney Has A Manly Nickname Taken From A Piece Of Sporting Equipment,. Maybe They Should Have Called Gingrich "Jock."
***
"For God's Sake, Daddy--Don't Do It!" This Little Santora Loves The Republican Party THAT Much.
***
Yeah, We Get It. Kryptonite Will Solve Our Energy Problems.
***
Might Be A Little More Interesting If She Were Describing Her High School Boyfriend, And Not The Rapture.
New Hampshire And Iowa Have A Lot To Say About Presidential Politics.
With a combined total of 11 (out of a nationwide total of 538) electoral votes, unimportant American States like Iowa and New Hampshire wouldn’t normally have very much say in who wins the US presidency. That would be like choosing a first-grade teacher based solely on the preferences of the weird kid who eats paste.
Iowans Determine Their Presidential Candidates Via The Caucus.
But thanks to America’s primary process, it’s not just important and worthwhile states like California or New York which determine the leader of the free world, but also cultural black holes like Wyoming, Alaska and the Deep South. This system, unique among the world’s nations, allows America to refocus its priorities, adding political clout to a state based not on its size or economic output, but on whether or not it produces corn.
It's Not Like Iowa Has NOTHING Going For It; It's The Birthplace Of Fictional Geek Icon Captain James T. Kirk.
"Live Free Or Die?" Well, We Wish We Could Say That We'll Miss You.
Mr. Claus Is Said To Be No Fan Of The Pyongyang Regime.
In a move considered dickish even by the attenuated standards of blighted pariah nations, rogue state North Korea fired two Nodong-2 missles at Santa’s Sleigh early Sunday morning, narrowly missing the beloved quasi-diety. Santa and his reindeer are reportedly unhurt, much to the delight of good boys and girls throughout the first world.
No, You're Thinking Of Vietnam. In North Korea, Santa Says "Kim! Kim! Kim!"
Western observers are divided as to the reasons behind the military action. Some view the attack as a show of strength by newly-appointed dictator and enfant terrible, Kim Jong-un. Others disagree. Proponents of the so-called “Bad Santa” theory contend that the attack was a calculated maneuver, and was never intended to harm St. Nick. Santa would be so furious following the encounter, according to the theory, that he would leave the entire North Korean nation nothing but coal, something the wretched citizens of the failed state desperately need to heat their desolate hovels.
Okay, But What If Certain States Are Holding Us Back?
Pierre, Dakota: Monday at 3:15 PM CST Governors Jack Dalrymple and Dennis Daugaard of the former states of North and South Dakota respectively, will flip a coin to see who will be governor of the new state of Dakota. The two relatively-unpopulated states were contracted earlier this month to form a much larger, relatively-unpopulated state.
"Baby Alaska."
Although the idea of combining the two superfluous states was first floated in the spring of 1890 following the news of the Prairie Twins’ statehood in 1889, it was only in the Twenty-First Century that the scheme came to fruition. Much of the opposition came from Dakotans themselves, who stubbornly continued to see themselves as having distinct cultural identities, North and South. The bulk of the effort was invested in persuading the American people that North and South Dakota were actually existing states, and not different neighborhoods of the same mid-sized Iowa town.
Although Iowa Is Also Largely A Worthless State, Unlike The Dakotas, It Exercises A Disproportionate Influence In Determining Who Will Be US President
The jubilation felt by most Dakotans is a stark counterpoint to the indifference experienced by the rest of the world. “A real state at last!” says Cody “Eyeball” Jenkins, mayor of Rapid City, echoing the sentiments of giddy yokels across the prairie. For some, the excitement is translated into unrealistic expectations. “People gonna hold conventions here, by gum!” says Milton Wiffley, of Killdeer, “Maybe we even gonna get a professional sports team.” ‘Rasslin’ aside, this appears to be a pipe-dream.
This Is As Close As You're Gonna Come To Pro Sports, Folks.
Not everybody is so thrilled. Many North Dakotans, recently the recipients of an oil windfall, don’t want to share their new-found good fortune with their neighbors to the south. “They’ve got Indian reservations and bingo,” says Maynard Gumm of Fargo, “Let ’em keep ’em!” Educators, in particular, are concerned about the newly-combined history curriculum. “Can you imagine?” asks Carol Whitley, formerly a South Dakota teacher, “We’ll have to sacrifice valuable South Dakota history like the 1893 Corn Blight in favor of historical nonevents like the Minot Dirt-Farmer’s strike of 1912.”
The Contraction Party Will Be Off The Hook.
It’s difficult to say what unforseen externalities the Dakota Contraction will produce, but no one questions that there will be effects. One possibility is that, the US populace having grown accustomed to 50 states, another district or territory will be granted statehood. The most likely candidates are the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico or Canada.
Dakotans Feel That Theirs Is A Land Of Endless Horizons.
Dakota’s entry to the Union is an event about which everyone will be talking for days to come. Then, the creeping tide of ignorance will rise to wash over the public’s memory, robbing the national consciousness once again even of the memory of Dakotas’s existence.
Dakota Is Beginning A Wondrous Journey Of Self-Discovery.
Promethean Times 