Eine Kleine Snatchmusik

12 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by in Art, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Social Networking

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By Smaktakula

Lady Gaga, the intermittently interesting humanoid lava lamp, reveals to Vanity Fair the fecund loam from which, flower-like, her creativity springs.

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone, they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

"Which Is Why I Must Insist That My Gentleman Callers Kindly Use The Servants' Entrance."

This just in: Polk High School JV Water Polo team writes, composes and performs Grammy-nominated rock opera.

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: The Bluff

12 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by in Culture, Mythology, People, Relationships, Social Networking

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By Smaktakula    

The Consummate Pro: This Man Knows How To Bluff.

On those occasions when you manage to bluff someone into telling you something by acting like you know more than you really do, and then he asks you, When did you find out?–resist the temptation to be the smirking A-Hole who says, Just now–when you told me!  After that bush league play, he won’t tell you shit.    

The best responses run along these lines: We’ve known almost since the beginning.  Your opponent will spend the next few moments trying to figure out where he got careless and screwed up.  Meanwhile, you can follow with, “But there’s just one or two things I don’t understand.”  You’d be surprised at what he’ll tell you.    

"But You See, Mr. Johnson, I Didn't Know Until Just Now. I Followed You To This Remote Cabin Without Telling Anyone To Trick You Into Confessing. Now Please, Let Me Borrow Your Telephone. The Police Will Be Here In 20 Minutes."

Bluff Facebook

A Foul, Yet Affordable Rolling Bedlam

11 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Holiday, People, Places, Social Networking, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

The airplane has emerged as the prefered means of conveyance for most Americans.  Commuters routinely jet between neighboring cities which once they would have reached by rail or road.  Trains are still used by East Coast commuters, retired English teachers and quirky, garrulous middle-aged gay men; they have long since ceased to be a viable travel option for the rest of America.  The airlines are fast, but expensive.  Amtrak, a bloated, dying beast supported by the American taxpayer, is interminably slow as well as being expensive.  For those wretched souls for whom neither conveyance is an option, only the bus remains.

"Your Chocolate Got In My Peanut Butter!" Buses And Embankments Are Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together.

Americans seem to understand instinctively that bus travel is travel of the last resort.  A July 23rd tragedy in Fresno, California validated those fears when a Greyhound bus collided with an overturned SUV, then clipped another vehicle before all three plummeted over a 15-foot embankment, killing six people.  More recently, three people were killed in a Utah bus crash.  Add to those figures the six Namibians and thirteen Chinese killed in bus accidents in the last few days.  Amid the carnage, a grisly message begins to coalesce: travel by bus, die horribly.

It has been said that there is no good way to die.  However, some deaths are so uncomfortable and degrading as to measure to a standard all their own.  By any reckoning, death by bus is among the worst.

Urban commuters familiar with the city bus often fail to appreciate the dismal squalor of its far-traveling cousin.  They correctly point out that like long-distance buses, city buses are also filthy, slow and buzz with incipient craziness.  But when compared to the Yemeni prison-on-wheels that is the Greyhound bus, the Muni transforms into a first-class berth on the Orient Express.  City dwellers may find it unsettling that the ratty, sour-smelling man in the stained overcoat is peeing into the center aisle, but should take some comfort that they face little danger of being decapitated by a deranged seatmate.

Buses Are Often Crowded, And Finding A Seat To Yourself Can Be Difficult. Looking And Smelling Like This Gentleman Will Give You A Leg Up On Your Competition.

It is difficult to imagine a more disagreeable group of people with whom to be squashed into a collective jelly than these mouth-breathers:  The slicked-back shifty dude with a cobweb tattooed in the corner of his eye socket; the skeevy sailor on leave and on the make, and the fifteen-year old runaway who, in other circumstances might give it up for him; incomprehensible migrants and their improperly-stowed livestock; the recently paroled ex-convict with his bottomless retinue of off-key Al Green numbers; and the smelly, twitchy guy for whom Jesus is always very near.  A further horror is the revelation that one of these bipedal humanoids is the bus driver.

There is a final indignity that in many ways surpasses the thousand tiny cuts suffered by these doomed commuters.  It is disheartening enough to accept that people are born and must live out their aching lives in the reeking cow-town that gave the world Victor “Balco” Conte, NKOTB’s Jordan Knight and hip-hop impressario, K-Fed; that people must also end their days there may be too much for the soul to bear.  No one should have to die in Fresno.

Fresno: Hot, Dirty And Full Of Suck.

They Get Facebook In Fresno. Tell ‘Em About It

Mongolian Nazis? We Get It. Wait . . . No, We Don’t.

11 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Asia, Culture, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, Race, Relationships, Social Networking, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

For fans of historical reenaction and other loveless shut-ins who spend their days pondering what would happen if Adolf Hitler and Genghis Khan united in an anachronistic super-villain team up, this is as close as you’re likely to get.            

Give Them Points For Effort At Least: “Führer” Is Hard Enough To Pronounce With An American Accent.

The other villagers are said to be searching desperately for a way to gently shepherd these confused young men into accepting some uncomfortable, yet indelible, truths.       

CNN Refuses To Forget About Ted Stevens

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Culture, History, National Events, People, Politics, Scandal

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By Smaktakula

CNN’s piece, Former Sen. Ted Stevens Remembered, proves that even though the world has known of his death for a few hours now, he’s by no means forgotten.

Reportedly Very Pleased To Be Wrapped In The Warm Glow Of Nostalgia Accorded To The Recently Dead. He Would Appreciate If You Would Kindly Forget About The Corruption And Calling The Internet "A Series Of Tubes."

Something’s Cooking In The World Of Competitive Sauna

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Culture, Duh, Europe, Games, General Foolishness, Health, Sports

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By Smaktakula

The sporting world is still aboil about the news dispatches steaming out of Finland reporting the tragic death of Russian quasi-athlete Vladimir Ladyzhensky.  Ladyzhensky, along with his Finnish opponent Timo Kaukonen, collapsed during the annual World Sauna Championships in Finland.  Both men suffered severe burns and were admitted to the hospital, where Ladyzhensky later died.                             

It May Look Easy, Kids--But If You Want To Make It To The Big Leagues You've Got To Say Your Prayers, Eat Your Vitamins And Practice, Practice, Practice!

Thanks in large part to recent media coverage, a new generation of fans is coming to appreciate this exciting and fast-growing ‘sport.’  The roots of competitive sauna reach far back into Finland’s history; hanging around in a hot, steamy room with other dudes has long been a favored pastime.  The ghastly exercise in masochism has been a professional sport in Finland since 1999.                             

Although most Finns readily welcome the dizzying globalization of their sport, they remain fiercely proud of its Finnish origins.  This pride has manifested itself in a variety of ways, including the recent creation of a Finnish Bureau of Tourism.  The Bureau’s first act as a body was to devise the popular slogan: Finland–A Little More Than Just Reindeer!                          

When It Was A Game: Florida Prison Farm Inmates Played Not For Money, But For The Love Of Competitive Sauna.

Ladyzhensky’s shocking death can’t help but cast a pall over professional sauna.  Inwardly, everyone connected with the sport is no doubt plagued by the same internal question: Could we have done something to prevent this?                             

Sadly, the answer is No.  Self-recrimination is a part of human nature, and while some soul-searching is probably inevitable, it comes to little in the end.  Although this terrible event will no doubt be parsed and dissected by historians for generations to come, the exact cause of this tragedy will never truly be known.  That athletes die sometimes with no apparent cause is perhaps the cruelest lesson that sports can teach us.                          

"What The Fuck Is Wrong With You People? Damn."

Vladimir Ladyzhensky may have left competitive sauna, but the rare Russian will forever be seared into the collective consciousness of the game he loved.   His fellow competitors will no doubt shed a collective tear* in his memory as they take that first barefoot step into the searing death-oven that is the symbol of this much-beloved pseudosport.  Ladyzhensky wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.                             

*This is intended for figurative purposes only.  When one’s profession involves killing time in a 230° hot box, remaining well-hydrated is the surest strategy to victory, and may help to stave off death for a few precious seconds.

Forgotten Author Renounces Ancient Religion

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Christianity, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Mythology, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Social Networking

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By Smaktakula

Tween Romance author Anne Rice announced recently that she had renounced Catholicism.  This news serves to energize opponents of the Church, as well as to delight the author’s remaining fans, most of whom are all grown up now and just happy to know she’s still alive.               

In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life.               

Rice, whose main contribution to literature has been to purge the vampire genre of its remaining vestiges of heterosexuality, is also said to be privately fuming that her conversion to Catholicism didn’t prove to be the goldmine her agent promised it would.                    

It Would Seem We Have You To Thank For Twilight As Well. Hag.

 

Damn it, Anne–we’ve been through this a million times.  You know I said no such thing–I told you to go with Judaism. 

Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Race, Sports, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For?  In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed. 

You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For?  Conversely, you might really dislike it.  It’s not for us to decide.

promeethean times  And wee’re off!

cock riders  The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.

unemployment lazy   Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.

skankist  You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, please enjoy.

sexy dick in mouth non  Oui!

obama rethinking marijuana  Will he rethink that rap video?

be glad you’re not that guy   Oh, we are.

sexy man spaghetti  Um.

anti george sherrill  You’ll find a home here, friend.

jay bush bean prison  If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail.  And for Duke, the glue factory.

athretes  Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.

michael lohan cock  Isn’t he though?

fred phelps secret  The secret is that he’s a raging homo.

fat people running  Hmm, there’s something about this . . .

children running of the bulls spain   . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem. 

donkey cock   Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?

walt stoelting blog  Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.

wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide  Oh, very clever.  We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables.  Actually, that is pretty clever.  And pointless.

pauly shore weed  It would explain a lot.

safe horse fuck movies  We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.

miley cyrus delusional  Totally.

abigail folger  Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?

olive garden people   They’re not people.  THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap.  We were thinking of Soylent Green.

the violence and madness of arab muslim  Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out.  We can’t help you.

nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh.  Good . . . very good.  Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing.  TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!

beautiful dreadlock guy  He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.

pakistani penis  Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link.  How about some Turkish Tool?  No?  Mauritanian Meat-Sword?

elderly remote  Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote. 

penis in bosses mouth   Shh. Hush now, Boss.  Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.

dirty mullet  Is there any other kind?

happy thoughts  Happy to oblige! 

drugged raver  Fish in a barrel, man.  Fish in a barrel.

lorena bobbit and bull penis  We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find.  No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.

live aid  Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What?  He did?  How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things?  We’re so, so sorry.

asshole hairstyles   So do you mean . . .?  No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole.  Pretty sure.

k2 inhalants  Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.

black man cock  Really?  In 2010?  Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis.  We do judge by length and thickness, however.  You have been warned.

vagina  Okay, this one’s a fake.   It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.

Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!

Facebook Probably Isn’t Looking For Us Either. But Screw Them. Do You Sheeple Always Do What You’re Told?

This Day In History: August 9, 1945 CE

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Asia, Crime, Culture, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Relationships, Social Networking, World Affairs

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On which OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! AGAIN!  AGAIN WITH THE BOMBING!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Okay. Now We're Done.

Truman’s Momentous Decision Explained

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, People, Social Networking, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

The decision could not have been one which Harry S Truman undertook lightly.  Having held the nation’s highest office for only a few months, Truman was faced with an ugly choice, the implications of which would reverberate more forcefully throughout history than any other presidential decision before or since.

"Once The Japanese See This Beauty At Work, They'll Be Lining Up To Surrender. The Second One's Just In Case."

With the War in Europe having finally worn to a bloody close, America’s attention at last turned to her enemies in the Far East.  Despite recent military setbacks and the capitulation of their German allies, Japanese morale remained high.  Tojo’s soldiers were tenacious, almost fanatically indefatigable, traits that earned them the grudging respect of their American counterparts.  Given that these troops, aided by militias and civilians, would now be fighting in mutual defense of their island home ensured that any outcome was bound to be messy.

The Theory Of Moral Relativity: You Can't Break A Few Eggs Without Making An Omelette.

In the end, Truman faced two unpalatable options.  The first, initially the more painful of the two, would require the larger up-front payment in American blood and treasure.   The Allied troops would be given the unenviable task of fighting their way onto entrenched beaches which would make the reception they received at Normandy look like France’s defense of its homeland in 1940.

Once the Allied forces managed to establish a  beachhead, they would then be forced to fight their way through to the island’s interior.  The invaders would be resisted at every step, resulting in a series of bloody actions and guerilla attacks in a gruelling war of attrition.  By the time the allied forces took Tokyo, they would have left in their wake an ocean of dead GIs, with legions of maimed young heroes sent home to an increasingly war-weary American public.  Victory could be won, but at a terrible cost.

The second choice would initally appear to be the easier of the two.  Howev–

"Easy Option! Easy Option!"