By Smaktakula

You’ve got to hand it to the Cannabis Mafia–they almost pulled it off.  They came dangerously close to fooling enough of the electorate to transform California into a patchouli paradise. Fortunately, it appears Californians have seen through the smokescreen.

He's More Clever Than He Looks. But Just As Filthy.

The media has been assaulted by an all-out blitz of pro-hemp propaganda. Some of these efforts attempt to play on the sympathies of caring Californians, by confusing a drug issue with a medical one.  By reinforcing the notion that stoners who happen to have cancer and somehow think they deserve to possess a controlled substance “aren’t hurting anyone,” the pro-pot forces inch closer to their insidious goals.

Not hurting anybody? What about the cancer-ridden hemp-head?  It’s understandable that in a moment of pain so debilitating as to defy description, an individual might give in to the propaganda in a desperate effort to dull the ravaging effects of an insidious illness.

But at what cost?  In a random sampling of terminal cancer patients on hospice care who smoked marijuana, a Promethean Times survey found that a full 98% of these dying men and women were also using heavy painkillers like morphine, OxyContin and Fentanyl.  This revelation flies in the face of every skeptic who disputes the established fact that marijuana is a gateway drug; the link between weed and so-called “harder” drugs could not be more plain.

This publication is not alone in its crusade against marijuana legalization. Joining the fight are various church and school groups.  In particular, some African-American interest groups are vociferously against marijuana legalization, knowing all too well its dangers, as blacks are incarcerated  for marijuana offenses at a disproportionately higher rate than whites, despite consuming less of the stuff.*

The following facts about dope have been provided by the venerable anti-drug organization DARE (Drugs Are Ruining Everything):

1) People who smoke pot are 325% more likely to cannibalize children (their own or others) than people who do not smoke pot.

2) Children of parents who have smoked pot even once are almost TWICE as likely to grow up to be carnies than children of responsible parents.

3) Stoned drivers are 56% less likely than drunk drivers to survive being hit by a drunk driver.

4) Smoking pot virtually guarantees time wasted interacting with hippies.

5) Pot smoking is the sole cause for rectal cancer.

6) Hitler didn’t smoke pot.  But can you imagine how many people he would have killed if he did?

7) Smoking pot will make your eyes fall out.

Thanks To Soft-Hearted Do-Gooders, This Stoner Just Hit The Jackpot.

Legalization’s deleterious effects will be felt far beyond urban areas; it will also target some of America’s most important industries. Just as a glut of junk food edges out wholesome foods, so will marijuana legalization put the squeeze on America’s alcohol distributors and manufactures.

Many people will no doubt believe that the sacrifice of one supposed vice for another is a of little consequence.  But when one considers the ramifications of even the tiniest reduction in California’s alcohol intake, it readily becomes apparent that legalization will put the state on the fast track to disaster.

Less drinking will severely impact California’s liquor stores, as well as its many fine taverns. Again, these businesses may be written off as “dens of sin.” But what about insurance agents, car salesmen, funeral directors, condolence card company executives, EMTs and America’s dedicated doctors and nurses? Removing even one drunk driver from the road is another blow these hard-working professionals simply cannot endure.

Drunken Fratboys: The World Would Be A Sadder Place Without Their Merry Brand Of Self-Entitled Douchebaggery.

Consider the retail industry. Almost 40% of major retail purchases are made while drunk. It is laughable to assume that sober buyers would spend with the same abandon. It isn’t huge chain stores that’s killing local businesses, but rather teetotalers.

And what about fraternities? Will they still command the same mysterious allure if it’s known in advance that there will be no sweaty, half-naked vomit-bonding with the bros? Hardly.

There’s also the danger that marijuana legalization might spread beyond the borders of California, and perhaps the United States itself. Imagine if other countries lessened their alcohol consumption: without alcohol to keep the Irish quarrelsome and disorganized, the world would be up to its ass in shamrocks. Nobody wants that.

I'm Jack Daniels, And I Approved This Message.

* Interestingly, when country music star Willie Nelson is removed from the white sample, this trend reverses.  If rapper Snoop Dogg is then removed from the black sample, it returns to the expected ratio. ∞ T.