By Smaktakula

Because who has time to read the articles, right?

One Of The Few Periodicals To Meet Our Exacting Journalistic Standards.

Parents keep child’s gender secret ~ Regardless of the creature’s gender, it’s destined to grow up to be a smug, self-righteous fucknugget like Mom & Dad.

“Thanks A Lot, Mom And Dad!”

The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.

‘I shot the cruellest dictator in the Americas ~ “But I did not shoot the deputy cruellest dictator in the Americas.”

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Is Frank McCourt really the worst owner in baseball? ~ Does Ayman al-Zawahiri still own a controlling interest in the San Francisco Giants?  Otherwise it’s Frank, hands down.

His Palatial Home Is Built Entirely From The Bones Of Kittens.

Death of 91-year-old spotlights line between care and killing ~ And, at 91, plain old bad luck.

Gingrich campaign hit by defections ~ We would like this a lot better if Newt were hit with ‘defecation.’

Ancient sea turtle discovered in N.J. ~ Sorry to get the scientists so hot & bothered for a false alarm, but you knew all that fake tanning would catch up to Snooki eventually.

If You’ve Never Gotten Really Drunk And Then Humped A Bright Orange Beach Ball, You Aren’t In A Position To Judge.

Love thy neighbor: Son’s killer moves next door ~ Find out what happens when people stop being polite…and start getting real.  Thursdays at 10 PM on MTV.

Mexican cartels now using tanks ~ The world must act now before cartel scientists manage to create or steal enough fissionable material to create la bomba de gran tamaño.

Chicago Police Brace for ‘Flash Mob’ Attack ~Not to worry–the mob owns Chicago PD.

With A Combined Weight Of 678 Pounds And Only One Mustache Between Them, It Takes Four Untouchables To Equal One Modern-Day Chicago Cop.

Murdered woman recorded fight with husband before death ~ When you marry a woman who’s smarter than you are, you’re just asking for trouble.  

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

NATO strike kills 15 Libyan civilians ~Considering Lockerbie, the Libyan people still owe the free world about 245 souls, give or take.

Black holes abound in early universe ~ We thought the world had moved past all this racist nonsense.

Amy Winehouse added to the list of biggest boos ~ Because, heaven knows, she’s not gonna make the list for ‘biggest boobs.’

It’s A Given That You Won’t Go Back To Rehab, No, No, No. But If We Paid For A Boob Job, Would You Go, Go, Go?

Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards ‘put his teeth back in with superglue’  ~ Then what happened?

4000 Minot homes to be swamped by day’s end ~ Dear God!  Our sense of what is normal and right has been turned on its head.  We had no clue that more than 150 people lived in Minot, North Dakota.    

Friend remembers Ryan Dunn’s last moments ~ Really?  Because it seems like those last moments were the worst.

“Someday The Mountain Might Get Me,” Dunn Told Perplexed Friends In The Days Before The ‘Accident,’ Swearing, “But The Law Never Will.”

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