26 Monday Mar 2012
Posted in Stupidity
Tardsie has missed his last two check-ins. Although we’ve temporarily lost contact with the intrepid knapsack, we remind readers that Tardsie is a seasoned traveler, who’s no doubt having so much fun that he forgot to check in.
"Hello? Hey, Can Anyone Hear Me? I'd Like To Come Home Now. Hello?"
“O bury me not…” And his voice failed there.
But they took no heed to his dying prayer.
In a narrow grave, just six by three
They buried him there on the lone prairie.”
23 Friday Mar 2012
Tags
aberrant behavior, gauche, Jamie Moyer, left-handed people, lefties, normals, right-handed people, sinister, southpaws, unfavorable characteristics, Why am I so left-handed?
…Or We’ll KEEP You Right.
Regardless of your willingness to take a hard, long look at the truth, the fact remains that humanity is beset by an insidious societal blight which affects as much as 10% of the world’s population. Increasingly, the remaining 90%, or ‘normals,’ as they are most commonly known, seem ready to let their own culture be relegated to history’s dustbin rather than take the necessary steps to ensure that these genetic timebombs mend their incorrect ways. This view is not simply short-sighted in its naiveté, but downright foolish in its refusal to confront the very real threat creeping up on us from our blind side. Simply put, we dig our own grave when we downplay or refuse to acknowledge altogether the treacherous iniquity of left-handed people.
What The Hell? Do You Even Think About The Things You Say, Lefty? God–We Wish They Had Camps For You People.
Despite the very real danger posed by southpaws, those few journalists brave enough to bring attention to the goofy-handed threat are branded bigots, and often pay with their livelihoods. It has long since become politically incorrect to highlight what even a child can see for himself--that these people are using the wrong hand for just about everything they do! Society would apparently rather believe that these “people,”–who insist on daily engaging in behavior which is not only unfathomable to normals, but moreover, something most people could quite literally not bring themselves to do–are born that way, and that their bizarre and unnatural behavior is in no way a matter of choice.
No One Has Yet Come Up With A Sufficiently Biting Term For Lefties. It Makes Us Wish Society Hadn’t Been Quite So Hasty In Assigning The Pejorative “Fags.”
Promethean Times disagrees. We believe that humanity was created by an all-knowing God to do things a certain way–the RIGHT way– and that those who fail to remember this put at risk their immortal souls.¹ For too long these foul, slouching creatures have been allowed to walk among us as equals, and given free rein to pollute the minds of youth by their poor example. The time to remain muzzled by the fuzzy sentiments of political correctness has passed. Our duty is not to assuage the feelings of degenerates, but rather to halt our society’s decay as it falls under the shadow of an alien hand.
No, You’re Right, He’s A Total Asshole. But Give Him Some Points For Form.
It’s certainly no accident that the word ‘sinister’ is derived from Latin for ‘left handed.’ Nor should it be too onerous to determine which is the correct foot referred to in the aphorism ‘put your best foot forward.’ And just where do you suppose the French got ‘Gauche?’ You know that ‘dexterous’ means ‘skillful,’ but did you also know can also mean ‘right-handed?’ If these examples aren’t enough to remind readers that even language abhors a lefty, it should be remembered that left’s opposite is a synonym for ‘correct.’ It is only in recent times that we have eschewed the wisdom (right-) handed to us by our forefathers, and instead drawn these evolutionary dead-enders to our collective bosom.
If Applied To Politics, This Slogan Represents The Kind Of Rigid, Partisan Thinking Which Has Made The Political Moderate An Endangered Species. But In Regard To Handedness, It’s Right On The Money.
Perhaps some of you reading this may choose to believe that we have to a degree exaggerated the danger posed by these genetic aberrations. Anyone who contends that lefties aren’t hurting anyone but themselves has obviously never seen them write, or spent frustrating minutes trying to determine why the guy you’ve just met gives you the mega-creeps, finally to discover it’s because he’s wearing his watch on his right hand like some kind of freak. Some, however, will still deliberately ignore the issue, espousing some lame-ass ‘live and let live’ policy. All the same, we have to wonder if these people will still be whistling ‘We Are Family’ on that awful day when they discover a pair of unusable left-handed scissors in their own child’s backpack.
As If Being A Lefty Weren’t Enough, He’s Got An Androgynous Name And Throws Like A Twelve-Year-Old Girl. For All This, Though, Jamie Moyer Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.
BONUS!
Southpaw Sally (or–Kids Can Tell The Difference Between Laughing With And Laughing At)
After I graduated, I worked for a couple of years as a teacher in an after-school clinic. One of my students was a bright and cheerful nine-year-old named Sally Choi (not her real name). Tragically, Sally was born left-handed. Naturally, I took to calling the young lady ‘Southpaw Sally,’ which she took with surprising grace.
One day Sally asked me, “Why do they call left-handed people ‘Southpaws?’
I had to confess that I didn’t know, but told her I’d have the answer for her before we met next.
Even before I could say hello before our next session, Sally asked me if I’d found out. I told her that, according to what I’d been able to find, the term was coined in the late 19th Century, when ballparks were designed so that right-handed hitters faced east, meaning that a lefty’s pitching arm was his “south” arm.
“What did they call left-handed people before baseball?” Sally asked.
“Oh,” I said, “Before baseball people just called them freaks.”
True story.
20 Tuesday Mar 2012
Tags
Charles Manson, childish sexual innuendo, China, free mustache rides, free stuff, Free Tibet!, helpful hints, herpes, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, the best things in life are free, Tibet
We Certainly Wouldn't Pay Good Money For A Diminutive, Messianic Madman, But We'd Be Fools To Pass Up This Deal.
Folks love to tell you that “the best things in life are free.” There has never been a time when these words were true, and never less so than today. Those who chose to repeat this old canard willfully ignore that even essential items cost money, and that about the only things which still remain free are your first month of service, unsolicited advice and herpes.
This Ad May Be In Error. Last We Heard, China Was Never Going To Give Up Tibet.
Is There ANYBODY Who Thinks This Is A Good Deal?
It Had Better Be Free. We've Never Paid For Pussy In Our Lives.
19 Monday Mar 2012
Posted in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News, Stupidity
Tags
Cincinnati, douchebaggery, frottage, Georgia, Jamie Hughes, Les Nessman, lizard men, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, Michelle Allen, morons, Newt Gingrich, Nicholas Modrich, Ohio, Oscar, Piggyback Bandit, places that suck, Queen City, race riots, Ramtha, Sherwin Shayegan, Short Bus, Snellville, stupid people, Why am I so stupid?
We Get It--Thinkin' Makes Your Head Hurt Somethin' Turrible.
It’s no secret that the delightful antics of the very stupid are one of the reasons we get up in the morning. Morons make the world go ’round, and at the very least give us something entertaining to watch until the terrible day when the great lizards burst forth from Mt. Rainier to seal the Earth’s doom.
In the meantime, we hope you’ll enjoy this troika of merry tales exploring the many facets of sub-moronic douchebaggery!
This Is What Passes For Fun In Ohio.
Cincinnati, Ohio is a city which has suffered mightily over the years. Situated on the north bank of the Ohio River, the city was once a thriving industrial powerhouse, but today the Queen City is an echoing, haunted shadow of its former self, with the population having fallen nearly in half since 1960. Despite the legions of Cincinnatians fleeing the city like fleas from a rat’s cooling carcass, Cincy still manages to remain among the top 20 most dangerous cities in America. Remembered primarily for a really awful concert and for being the first US city to host race-riots in the 21st Century, and whose most famous citizen is the fictional newshound Les Nessman, Cincinnati’s remaining shell-shocked citizens have become accustomed to a host of degradations.
Inventive Cincinnatian Michelle Allen tried to do something a little different. Like so many of her fellow denizens of the Queen City, Allen aspired to further rend the delicate skein of civilization which binds the troubled city, and not only that, but to do it with panache. Any liquored-up idiot, she reasoned, could twice encounter the police after urinating on a neighbor’s porch and then chasing frightened children into traffic. Determined not to be just ‘anybody,’ Allen performed this terrifying Margot Kidder impersonation while dressed as a hideous cow-woman.
Really, This Has Just As Much Merit As Almost Any Other Form Of Performance Art.
Who Wouldn't Want This Friendly Fellow All Up In His Or Her Personal Space?
The line between sports fandom and dangerous lunacy has always been precariously thin, nevermore so than in today’s fractured, tribal climate. Sherwin Shayegan, known to the public as the ‘Piggyback Bandit’, not only crosses that line, but stomps its face against the curb until it’s a bleeding, mewling mess begging for the numbing embrace of sweet, sweet death.
Despite the cute nickname, Shayegan is a creepo of the first order. Shayegan recently gained notoriety after he was banned from a number of high schools for a string of athletic-related indecencies. The Piggyback Bandit, it turns out, isn’t just an athletic supporter, but also a fan of both frottage and of the firm, sweaty backsides of high school athletes. During athletic events, Shayegan surprises both the audience and the athletes alike with a little something extra to take home with them, dashing from the crowd and leaping upon the players’ backs with all the joy and fervor of a leg-humping dog.
"itsalmostoveritsalmostoveritsalmostoveritsalmostover"
"Y'know,I've Found That If I Ingest Copious Quantities Of Psychedelics, Bands Like Phish And Dave Matthews Don't Sound So Much Like Ass Set To A Tune."
It’s not just humans who enjoy experimenting with dangerous, mind-altering substances. Everybody knows what happens when you give your cat catnip, and holding a dog down while you blow marijuana smoke in its face is a time-honored rite of young adulthood. In college, Smaktakula’s beloved pet rat was a bold psychonaut and an ongoing experiment in the thresholds of the chemical experience.¹ Critters like to party, too.
But just like people, some animals can’t handle their drugs. Just one of these such creatures was Oscar the long-haired dachshund. Oscar had apparently been pestering Nicholas Modrich and Jamie Hughes, the fry-loving burnouts with whom he shared an apartment, to share some of their hoard of hallucinogens, until the couple finally relented, dosing the pestering pooch. As an irritating little freakdog, it would be assumed that the tiny creature would be prepared for an eight-hour mind fuck and Technicolor light show.² Sadly, this appears not to be the case, and little Oscar completely lost his shit. Although the evening was highlighted by a madcap, semi-nude chase through the hallucinatory streets of Snellville, Georgia, the evening ended in tragedy when the frenzied dog encountered a moving vehicle that was most definitely not an hallucination.
Drugs Aren't As Much Of A Threat To Society As Are Some Of The Assholes Who Take Them.
16 Friday Mar 2012
Tags
beaver, childish sexual innuendo, death by embarrassment, DIY porn, Egypt, nude photos, phallic symbols, pornography, pr0n, we've still got 'em!
Nature Is Part Of Our Shared Heritage. Everyone Should Get A Chance To Check It Out At His Leisure.
Technology advances with dizzying rapidity, pulling a reluctant society along with it. Only a generation ago many of the daily conveniences we take for granted, such as email, cell phones and running water were nothing more than high-tech fantasies. This ever-accelerating advancement ensures that wherever the future leaves us, it will be a strange and frightening place, too difficult to accurately predict from our unfavorable historical vantage.
But for the many advantages this new technology brings us, there come also attendant consequences. Among these is the deterioration of the traditional community structure–as the world around us grows smaller, the bonds which link us to our local communities begin to fray. Nor is there any doubt that the wealth of easy information available at a keyboard stroke has whetted society’s appetite for instant gratification, while at the same time atrophying those skills upon which real scholarship is based.
Um...It's Just That When You Asked If We Wanted To See Chris' Melons We Thought...But, You're Right, They Are Really Nice.
But perhaps the greatest loss in how we communicate with one another. Since ancient times, young people have signaled their affection for one another by exchanging nude images. In prehistoric times these crude pornographic depictions likely took the form of cave drawings, just as in ancient Egypt human pudenda were immortalized in rare inks on the walls of excavated tombs. Oil paints were favored for beaver shots from the Renaissance until the early Twentieth Century, when boudoir photographs became the norm.
They'll Tell You That Today, Nothing Is Left To The Imagination. That Simply Isn't True.
But changing mores have conspired to kill once and for all this treasured ancient custom. Whereas once entire families gathered to celebrate this DIY-porn, passing little Suzie’s naked image hand to hand (and arriving twice at Uncle Joe), as the beaming girl reveled in their wholesome attentions, this harmless tradition is being increasingly seen in a negative light. Dwelling on the prurient, critics contend that not only does this trend tend to sexualize children, but the resultant humiliation from the unintentional promulgation of the private images can have serious and long-lasting effects upon a young person’s self-esteem.
Sadly, this view seems to be gaining ground, despite the nudie-shot’s well-established cultural history. There are no doubt a great many individuals who welcome the loss of home-made spank pix. Even without Jurgen’s Lotion or a similar unguent, this is a slippery slope. Will these same critics be quite so sanguine when other liberties begin to disappear as well? Imagine if you will a world where it is no longer safe to disseminate personal information like your social security number and credit card information or where children are afraid to accept bus tickets sent to them over the internet by dangerous strangers. Doubtless, that’s a world where none of us want to live, and yet, with every beaver shot left uncaptured, we are one step closer to that reality.
Do You See It? It's EVERYWHERE, Man!
14 Wednesday Mar 2012
Tags
America's Funniest Home Videos, Arby's KFC, bad parents, Canada, denim diapers, do-nothings, fauxhawks, hillbillies, Hometown Trough, Indiana, methamphetamine, mullets, No Fear, places that suck, playing the lottery as an investment, professional wrestling, rednecks, Tapout, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, white trash, White Trash Diaspora, WTD, you got a real purty mouth
Nobody Said Being A Parent Would Be Easy. In Fairness, Though--It Was Clearly Implied. We're Not Blaming Anyone, We're Just Saying That In A Very Real Way It's Your Fault.
We totally get it. You’re damn proud of your white trash pedigree, and want to pass that culture on to the young’uns. Originally confined to the South and most parts of Indiana, the White Trash Diaspora (WTD) has spread throughout the 48 contiguous non-freak states and Canada. And with white trash mommas birthing larger litters every year, redneck cultural historians say it is more important than ever that this vital slice of American whitebread be “preserved for posterior.”
Maybe you think that as a parent, you’ve done everything you can to teach little Cody or Ashley about this proud legacy: exposing them to endless hours of TV, heavy on Two and a Half Men, America’s Funniest Home Videos, rasslin’ and fine reality programming; dressing them appropriately in No Fear and TapouT t-shirts, and taming their fauxhawks and mullets with bulk-bought gel; enjoying regular family dinners at Arby’s, The Hometown Trough, or for really special occasions, Dave & Busters. But ask yourself: in the face of cultural dilution, is this enough?
You've Been Preparing For Your Financial Future--But What About Your Child's Future?
On the surface it may appear so. Sure, your toddler is a toothless, intolerant do-nothing who speaks incomprehensible English and lives off the charity of others–but can you guarantee he’ll stay that way?
Look–there are no guarantees in life. Despite an upbringing of rural squalor in a meth-rich environment lacking even the most basic amenities, there will always be those horror stories about kids who grow up with wild-eyed dreams of a better life. So while there’s no way to completely ensure that your boy will play football and not soccer, you can nevertheless stack the cards in your favor by starting when he’s young. May we suggest as a first step these ultra-boss denim diapers? Not only will they keep baby shit out of the carpet for a few hours, but Junior will look hella tough.
'Cause, Hey--Sometimes You Shit Your Levi's, Too.
11 Sunday Mar 2012
Tags
Amelia Earhart, bad decisions, Dennis Hopper, don't vote stupid, Dwight Eisenhower, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, foolish choices, Gwendolyn Brooks, Kansans, Kansas, Kansas City, Langston Hughes, Missouri, places that suck, Reverend Fred Phelps, Rick Santorum, Westboro Baptist Church, Why am I so stupid?
Rick Santorum has been declared the winner of the Kansas caucuses!
Before You Judge The Kansans Too Harshly, Put Yourselves In Their Shoes. If You Were Forced To Live Out Your Days In An Anachronistic, Wheat-Choked Countertop Of A State With A Holstein Named Beulah As Your Sole Companion, You'd Likely Make Some Nutty Decisions Now And Then.
Did you know that Langston Hughes, Dennis Hopper, Gwendolyn Brooks, Amelia Earhart and Dwight Eisenhower all hailed from Kansas? Not a one of them thought enough of the place to die there.¹
Even Kansas' Most Famous City Isn't Actually IN Kansas.²
08 Thursday Mar 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, Sport, Stupidity
Tags
America the fat, America the sedentary, college athletics, competitive eating, conspicuous consumption, fat people, fatty fatty two-by-four couldn't get through the bathroom door, gurgitators, National Collegiate Competitive Eating Association, NCCEA, Rudy, United States of America, vulgar non-sports, waddling grotesquery, Why am I so fat?
Yesterday, I Was A Lazy Pile OF Guts, But Today, I Am An ATHLETE.
College athletics hold a special place in American hearts. In many American backwaters too rural to support a professional team, college sports serve to unite entire communities and regions in a shared passion. Moreover, fans of college sports claim a moral advantage over those of professional sports, as college athletes ostensibly play not for money, but for the love of competition. In this way collegiate competition achieves a transcendent purity absent from higher-level sports.
But Earning A Spot On The Varsity Fart-Lighting Squad Is Pretty Cool, Too.
That is about to change. Competitive eating, the vulgar non-sport which allows shambling, ham-fisted grotesqueries to masquerade as athletes, is now popping up on campuses across the nations like dark spots of malignancy in a lung X-Ray. Enter the National Collegiate Competitive Eating Association (NCCEA). This organization is dedicated to metastasizing this vulgar endeavor throughout institutions of higher learning across the nation.
Racy Photos Of Scantily-Clad Athletes Such As David Beckham, Danica Patrick Or This Dude Can Be Very Sexy.
And why not? Is it right that college athletics should somehow remain inviolate while a creeping tide of ‘weakest-linkism’ subsumes the college experience? In an environment where personal responsibility has been eschewed in favor of inclusion and empowerment in lieu of academics, it is only fitting that sport now too should trumpet the triumph of the mediocre.
Today This Little Pussy Would Have Whined His Way Into A Starting Spot.
Sports purists may have difficulty seeing the beauty and grace inherent in an activity where the competitors, or ‘gurgitators,‘ stuff themselves in an obscene culinary orgy only to vomit into their own mouths before swallowing it again, where glory is gained not through hour upon hour of practice, but by virtue of having been made a freakish living stomach by a capricious God. This hidebound and myopic viewpoint is terribly anachronistic, and fails to take into account the realities of our age of mediocrity. Today, when everyone is special regardless of his actual ability, it no longer matters if an individual strives to achieve a worthwhile and long-desired aim, or even, really, that he strives at all.
Oh My God, Can We Tell You? We Are Just So Fucking Proud To Be American Right Now.
06 Tuesday Mar 2012
Tags
1906 San Francisco Earthquake, boobs, breastuses, Celebrity Death Watch, date rape, Dave Mustaine, death by old age, divorce, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Drew Barrymore, drugs, dyslexia, Eddie Murphy, fat people, France, has-beens, headlines, heroin, hos, Lady Gaga, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, little people, LSD, Lybia, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, Megadeth, moobs, poor judgement, pop biology, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Shakira, short people, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stalkers, Star Trek, sweet lady meg, the French, Trekkies, trippin' balls, TSA, Where Are They Now?, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so lonely?, Why am I so stupid?, women of easy virtue
Oh, Man! If We Had A Dime For Every Time This Has Happened.
Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine backs Rick Santorum ~ See Kids? A bacchanalian life of drug-fueled debauchery is not without its consequences. Although the pernicious effects of addiction upon the family structure are well-documented and widely known, critical-thinking skills and good judgement are additional casualties.
The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!
‘Star Trek’ Divorce: Fan Forced To Leave Spaceship Digs ~ He should take some consolation in the fact that as someone who has, however briefly, known the carnal delights of female affection, he’s relatively unique among Trekkies.
Don’t worry, Eddie Murphy lives ~ We weren’t worried. Were you?
Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.
When It Comes To Holding A Grudge, Smaktakula Does Not Fuck Around.
Story: Woman stalked for 17 years: ‘I don’t think it’s over’ ~ Really? After nearly two decades, you don’t think he’s ready to move on?
Miracle baby born from a single sperm ~ Although we were inattentive (at best) in biology class, our understanding is that barring a multiple birth, the formula is 1 sperm +1 egg = 1 very expensive, back-talking pet.
Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.
OUTRAGE: TEEN PERP INVOLVED IN NEAR-FATAL SHOPPING CART PUSH MAY WALK ~ Would you people rather have him go through life a cripple? Not Promethean Times. We believe in you, Teen Perp!
So Very Brave.
“Help! I hate my husband.” ~ It sounds like you’re doing just fine, and don’t need our help despising your spouse.
One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.
Shakira saved from sea lion ~ How many times do we have to tell you?–Nature does not have your best interests at heart.
Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.
Her Designer Fragrance Is Called ‘As Dead I Well May Be.’
Evidence: Hitler had love child ~ ‘Love’ child doesn’t really work in the same sentence as ‘Hitler.’ We know it’s not particularly politically correct, but if there’s ever a time to bring back ‘bastard,’ this is it.
Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.
Style icon dies at fashion show ~ How gauche!
Police: Mom gave kids heroin ~ Kids today don’t know how nice they have it. We considered ourselves lucky if Mom gave us a nutmeg & codeine-syrup cocktail and told us to ‘Fuck off for a few hours,’ so she and Uncle Whatshisname could have some privacy.
O’Donnell & Handler offend little people ~ Yeah, but who cares what the little people think?
Making People Short Is God’s Way Of Letting Us Know They Don’t Matter.
San Fran earthquake survivor dies at 109 ~ When you take into account that the Great Quake was in 1906, it’s tragic how long that guy suffered.
Is Drew Barrymore Expecting? ~ Expecting what? We figure if that chick were fertile, she’d have been knocked up years ago.
TSA agent turns mother’s boobs into tourist attraction ~ We visited. Truly a land of milk & honey.
Ohio victim’s brother: ‘Lost my best friend’ ~ And his brother got killed–talk about a shitty day!
Cocktail of Popular Drugs May Cloud Brain ~ Wait–intoxication is a possible side-effect of consuming drugs? The devil you say!
I Was Only Dropping Acid To Restore My Ph Balance, And Had No Clue That I’d Be Trippin’ Balls. I’m A Gazebo, By The Way.
02 Friday Mar 2012
Tags
abortion, Afghanistan, Barack Obama, Barry Bonds, Baseball, Bert & Ernie, Billy Carter, black sororities, breastuses, Camilla Parker Bowles, China, Courtney Love, degenerates, dope, douchebaggery, drugs, drunken Irishmen, Emmanuel Lewis, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fauxhawks, fellatrix, femullet, grass, hemp, Herb Tarlek, Hugh Hefner, Kim Jong-un, marijuana, Massengill disposable douche, mullets, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Pedobear, pork, pot, Prince William, reefer, Robert Mugabe, rope, Russell Brand, seriously--hippies are odious, Stupid Gene, sweet sweet cheeba, Taliban, testicles, Tina Fey, Tina Fey not dead, tiny penis, urban legends, vagina, water sports, weed, Westboro Baptist Church, Yao Ming
There's No Such Thing As A 'Typical" Promethean Times Reader. The Only Common Thread Is Degeneracy.
Not everyone who visits Promethean Times finds us on purpose. Here we respond to some of the bizarre, dangerous and downright foul search terms by which you found us. Enjoy!
fags love straight men ~ It’s true, but just between us, you’ll be safe.
sexual watersports ~ What’s that, like having sex on water-skis? We’ll just look that up and…OH! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
ugly guy with mullet ~ We’re gonna need more details.
drunken irish beaver ~ We challenge you to show us an Irish beaver who’s not drunk.
"Aw Jaysus, Mikey, Me Ould Son--Oim So Fookin' Pissed Oi Cannah Remember--Iz'tah Wrang Soide Ah Dah Rood Daht We Droive Ahn, Oir Dah Roight Soide?"
hugh hefner creepy ~ Really? You don’t think it’s normal for a doddering, incontinent old man to make pretend sex with silicate vixens?
a is for addict ~ b is for bum. This is fun!
in squalor recluse no friends ~ Sounds tough, buddy! Hopefully we were able to make you smile.
is pauly shore allergic to anything? ~ We like the way you think. Tell us you’ve got a lunch date with Pauly.
courtney love breast feeding at Wendys ~ Surely even the most rabid breast-feeding advocate must concede that such a thing is neither natural nor beautiful; it is an abomination.
Apparently, She Lactates Pure Methadone.
emmanuael lewis 2011 ~ Skonk 4 LIFE, Yo!
confusion in 84 year old ~ That’s bound to happen.
does prince william call camella “mom” — What do you think, retard?
tina fey dead ~ She’s NOT dead. We told you that.
history of black dicks ~ Well, you might want to start with Robert Mugabe, and Barry Bonds was supposed to be a real jerk…you meant ‘black penii,’ didn’t you?
Being A Nice Guy Doesn't Matter Until You Lose Your Ability To Hit.
what did billy carter do ~ Besides embarrass a nation, you mean?
who is prince william’s soulmate? ~ ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim. We also told you that.
cons to a temporary marriage ~ Same as the cons for a permanent marriage: your spouse.
did you invite jesus ~ Hells yeah! He’s doing Jell-O shots.
"The Bad News Is That We're Out Of Wine. The Good News Is We've Got All This Bottled Water, And I Know This Party Trick..."
bert and ernie gay ~ You’d think that Bert would be the ‘man,’ but no, it’s Ernie.
opinions on abortion — We’ve got enough opinions already.
how to thank an asshole for an asshole action — Flush?
paul pierce eyes–And now we suppose that Paul is blind.
percentage of men who climax on their partner’s face ~ It’s about 45%. The percentage who do it a second time? 0%.
Seriously, It's Not Sexy.
was macht pauly shore heute —Nichts
korean down syndrome — They call it “Up” syndrome in South Korea. In the glorious paradise of North Korea there are no people with disabilities whatsoever. They’re eaten.
promethean times ~ Hello!
cooking in your sauna ~ It can be done, but it’s not advised.
spiders living in tongue; spider lays eggs on face ~ Not true, sadly, but it’s nice to have something to believe in.
worst place to live in north korea ~ Well, it’s all pretty bad, but we heard that the intersection of Chigun and 47th Avenue is pretty rough.
westboro name origin ~ We told you a little about that.
"So I'm Thinking Of Starting A Church..."
white girls in black sororities ~ Actually, black sororities are in many ways like our rules for eating in bed: No Crackers!
lady mullet ~ It’s called a femullet, and it’s hella sexy.
naked nicknames ~ Smaktakula’s is ‘Tiny.’
crazy russian mathmatition ~ You’re talking about our pal, Grigori!
after the taliban took control of afghanistan, respect for women went downhill from there. they are treate . . . ~ Sounds like you already know how the story comes out. What do you need us for?
fellatrix blog ~ We read it for a while, but found it hard to swallow.
fake testicles ~ Check these out!
baseball is big in China ~ Nothing’s all that big in China, except for Yao Ming, and he had to come to the States for a life worth a damn.
Oh Yeah, And This Monstrosity.
pedobear jackpot ~ It’s the first ten rows of a Justin Bieber show.
statistics ballet homosexuality ~ It’s somewhere around 95% (plus or minus 5%).
douchebaggery now a hairstyle ~ It has been for a while. Check this out. And this.
marijuana rectal cancer ~ It’s the sole cause, man!
dread hippy porn–We dread it too.
Yeah, We Know That Razors Weren't So Big In The Age Of Aquarius, But In The Age Of Hygiene, They Are. And Take A Shower While You're At It!
poems about mullets ~ I think that I shall never see/A Dude as hideous and sad as thee/Please cover your head with a paper bag/’Cause your freaky hair makes you look like a…doofus.
russell brand douchebag–We prefer Massengill brand douchebag.
appalachian pot-– The strain is created by cross-breeding it with itself.
i hate pork ~ Smaktakula does too.
camilla parker bolwes pretty–Pretty what?
Usually Powerful Men Like Prince Charles Opt To "Go Pretty" In Second Marriages.
victims of the stupid gene ~ More numerous than sand on the beach.
following vice prez who is next in line of succession the prez of us ~ Apparently the Founding Fathers didn’t think this through. According to the Constitution, in the event that both the President and Vice-President are unable to serve, the Presidency goes to the guy who owns the most horses.
nicknames for dick — What’s your name again?
was obama photographed with leeches on his face ~What?!? No.
dear camp female tramps ~ Tramps are dear to us as well.
vienna sausage creations ~ Well, speaking euphemistically–children.
showing his cock ~ ‘Tis a fine bantam you have there, sir–sure to win first prize at the County Fair.
people remembering the 60s — Are often tiresome.
Anti-Drug PSA's Would Be So Much More Effective If This Guy Was The Poster-Boy.
fbi warning negro—Clarence prefers to be called the FBI warning African-American.
testicles hanging off truck—That was one hell of an accident.
condoms for men with small penis~They’re called Little Richards, and they’re surprisingly comfortable. Or, that’s what we read in Consumer Reports anyway.
tina fey died ~ Haven’t we been through this?
im a nazi ~ Some Israeli gentlemen may be visiting later this evening.
fish vagina innuendos—Going to a party later tonight and need a line that will impress the ladies?
"Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive! Heh! Tuna? Anyone? Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive!..You People Wouldn't Know Funny If It Bit You On The Ass!"
Check out how these creepos found us!
Promethean Times 