Despite the impression given by this series of tales, not every episode in my life has involved me being an asshole or looking like an idiot, but those are the stories worth telling. Nobody wants to hear about that time I got my mom flowers for no reason and really made her day.
The Really Great Thing About Mom Is That No Matter What Kind Of Disreputable Shitbag You Are, She Still Thinks You’re Good Enough To Be President Of The USA.
***
After the sixth grade, we moved away from my hometown, and I graduated from high school in another state. After my freshman year of college, I was back in town visiting my Grandma when I happened across an old friend from grade school, Rusty.
We were talking about people we used to know, and I asked about a kid whom I’d thought of as “Wayne.”
“Who?” Rusty asked.
“Wayne,” I said again, “The kid who came over as a boat person from Vietnam.”
“Oh,” he said, “You mean Wang Jones. Yeah, he’s still around.” He then added, “He’s kind of a dick, though.” Rusty remained in the dark as to the reason for Wang’s hostility, although I soon figured it out.
“Damn, I always called him ‘Wayne,'” I said, embarrassed. “Wang probably thought I was an asshole.”
Rusty laughed. “He probably just thought you were an idiot.”
Someone certainly was. I soon got the opportunity to look at Rusty’s yearbook and check out the boy I’d accidentally ridiculed for so many years. As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, my very first discovery was that the kid’s name was in fact ‘Wayne.’
“Go Fuck Yourself, Rusty!”
***
I’m always suspicious of guys who aren’t gay but who have way more chick friends than guy friends. What’s up with that? If they were having sex with the various women, I could at least understand it.
***
When I was a kid my mouth got me in trouble a lot. A lot a lot. But there was one time when I was about seven that I didn’t deserve it. Not that much anyway.
I was at my friend Ricky’s house, and we were watching TV. My troubles began when Ricky’s mom overheard a comment I made about a commercial. The commercial began with several silhouetted figures running up a hill. “Look at those idiots,” I said, mostly due to my then-nascent love affair with my own voice.
“SHAME ON YOU!” Ricky’s mom bellowed from seemingly out of nowhere. “Shame on you for picking on those people!”
I started to protest my innocence, and then saw with growing horror that it was a Special Olympics commercial I’d besmirched.
As if unsure that I’d grasped the enormity of my act, she said, “Those people can’t help that they were born that way! How would you like it if you were born that way?” Not waiting for me to answer, she went on, “You should thank God you weren’t. Shame on you!”
I again protested my innocence, and after a while she seemed to believe me, and the incident was forgotten.
Hours later, my mom was over visiting Ricky’s mom. As I passed through the kitchen where they were drinking coffee, my mom struck like a cobra, smacking me across the face.
“Don’t make fun of retarded people!” she said.
Seriously, Guys–We’re Innocent. This Time.
***
Sometimes it’s funny how a moment just happens. One time in college, a bunch of us dudes were drinking in a big ol’ sausage fest (all guys), when somebody said to somebody else, “Hey man, you’ve always been a good friend to me, Bob. I love you, man.”
“Bob” turned to another guy in the room, and said basically the same thing. “Joe, I don’t say this much, but you’ve always been there for me. I love you, man.”
This continued for a while, everybody in the room professing his love to another friend. Finally, it got to our friend “Steve.” As everyone else had, Steve turned to another friend and said, “Mike, you’re a good guy and I love you.”
And then, in one of those beautiful, unplanned moments where everything just seems to come together perfectly, everyone in the room pointed at Steve and yelled “FAG!”
Good times.
You Should Never Be Afraid To Tell Someone How You Really Feel.
As sticky keyboards across the globe will attest, some guys have a thing for lesbians–or more properly, for lesbian sex. These imaginative fetishists notwithstanding, the supposed sexual fixation straight men are said to have with the bedroom goings-on of gay chicks is largely a media creation. However, the affection many straight males feel for gay women is often underestimated, and goes well beyond mental spank flicks involving silicon-swollen lipstick lesbians.
The thought of Portia de Rossi-DeGeneres groping a Silence of the Lambs-era Jodie Foster is titillating for the 75-90 seconds it takes to shake loose such thoughts. Remaining in their stead is a clear-headed appraisal of the myriad reasons to like lesbians, not least because of their many dude-like qualities.
“Are You Deaf Or Just Stupid? I Didn’t Say Lovie Smith *Created* The Cover 2 Defense. But C’Mon, He Was The Fucking Linebackers Coach For Tampa Bay During The Dungy Era. You’re A Moron If You Think He Wasn’t A Big Part Of That.”
Hey guys, that was Mick on the phone–she and Chris are on their way with beer and pork rinds. ∞ T.
Like Their Judicial Namesakes, These Supremes Have An Effervescent Style That Will Remain Fabulous Throughout The Ages.
People who say that Barack Obama nominated the first gay Supreme Court justice in Elena Kagan have obviously forgotten that former Chief Justice William Rehnquist, a Nixon appointee, presided over Bill Clinton’s impeachment proceedings wearing a robe he designed himself based on an outfit he’d once seen in a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta.
You Must Admit, He Was The Very Model Of A Major Modern General.
Haven’t we been good to you? Haven’t we been sweet to you? Think it over. ∞ T.
It's A Fact: Straight White Guys Dance Like Assholes.
For as long as there have been different cultures, there have been cruel stereotypes about those cultures. In ancient times the Sumerians were believed to be penny-pinchers, the Mayans considered bad guests who wouldn’t leave, and Etruscans were accused of “dressing too faggy.” Even in modern times, there are some¹ who propound the rumor that Belgian people have belly buttons which are neither innies nor outies, but rather prehensile tentacles which the Belgians use to drain fluid from the organs of the handicapped victims who are their natural prey.
Of course, as any grade-school teacher will tell you, there’s no truth in any stereotype. Stereotypes are just a symptom of fear, a fear which stems from ignorance of other people and cultures. Once a person is exposed to the culture he believes so frightening, he will quickly come to understand that people the world over are exactly the same.²
There are those who say that all stereotypes are injurious, even those of a ‘positive’ nature. Positive or not, these critics contend, stereotypes still serve to distort perceptions and contribute to the widening of various cultural schisms.
You decide.
Asians–Is it really such a handicap to be judged intelligent solely on the basis of your race? It might be unfair to the morons within the culture, but as we know, Asian morons (or ‘the uninterrigent,’ as they’re known in the Far East) are exceedingly rare. Also, it’s not a bad thing if people avoid fucking with you in the off-chance that you’re a kung-fu master.
These Stanford Cardiologists Take A Break From Their Busy Work Schedule.
Gay men–Folks think you’re a good dancer, even when you’re not.
"You Are The Dancing Queen/Young And Sweet/Only Seventeen"
The French–No good stereotypes exist for the French. About the best thing we can say is that if you scrub ’em down real good, you’ll find out they’re actually Swiss.
There's No Call For This. Clearly, We're Letting Our Francophobia Get The Better Of Us.
White people–Even the most destitute piece of poor white trash wandering the back hollows of Mississippi is secretly believed by the other races³to be a member of an illuminati-like conspiracy of world-shaking power brokers. Also, traffic stops rarely end in a beating.
Although This Old Photo Proved An Embarrassment To Senator McWilliams of Kentucky, He Successfully Won Re-Election On A 'No More Immigrants!' Platform.
Latinos–Many positive stereotypes are attributed to persons of Latin descent. “He works like a Mexican” is a compliment, and one has only to see 23 people crammed into a two-bedroom apartment to know that the family is paramount in Latin culture. Also, they make great soccer players.
Illegal? Not In The Carpool Lane.
Canadians–Do you folks really mind being thought of as smarter, cleaner, more polite Americans?
"Why Are You So Dirty, Stupid And Rude, Eh?"
The Polish–Tardsie has been to Poland. He says that everything you’ve heard is true.
How Do You Break A Pole's Finger?
Black dudes–Hell yeeeeaaaaaah.
But It's Not For The Kids To Play With, You Know What We're Sayin'?
¹Us, mostly. ∞ T.
²Irrespective of the truth, it’s what you’re supposed to say. ∞ T.
³Most Asians either know or suspect the truth, but will likely play along. ∞ T.
We Looked Among All The Nations Of The World, And Could Find None More Deserving Of Our Praise.
We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this. We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes. Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it. Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.
Turns Out Somebody Made A Calculation Error When They Came Up With The 2012 Date. The Revised Figure Is 1492.
Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year. Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.
Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection. After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011. Still, the beloved news journal remains humble. “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t? But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that. Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”
Among that stuff was a string of dead dicks, despots and men of low character. 2011 bid farewell to a number of those comical tyrants who, through nothing more than style, a ridiculous outfit and balls the size of grapefruit, commanded legions to do their bidding. Osama bin Laden’s cringing demise among the fluid-spattered catacombs of his porn library taught us all to laugh again, while the image of Keystone Cops stumbling after wacky sand-despot Muammar Gaddafi in a madcap chase aross the Libyan desert gave us reason to laugh even harder. The ascendance of Steve Jobs and Kim Jong-il to their respective heavenly kingdoms reminded us that Gods too can die.
Among The Many Proposed Reforms Of The 'Arab Spring' Which Began In The Winter Of 2011 Is A Calendar That's Worth A Damn.
Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet. The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse. And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary. The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.
Fidel's Still Hanging In There.
Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation. Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West. Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check. The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets. In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.
For Real, We Totally Would.--Only, It Smells Like Pee And There's A Ton Of Poor People Walking Around.
The year was momentous for the United States. Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo. On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.
The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes. Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.
America: Where Our Unsettling Anthropomorphic Monsters Are Just A Little Bit More Patriotic.
President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism. And secret racism. Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.
The Bad News Is That Rome Is Burning. The Good News Is That Everyone In Our Studio Audience Will Be Going Home Tonight With Shiny New Fiddles!
Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration. The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity. Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.
For Newlyweds Lisa And Bingo Lamb, A Day At The Fair Is A Great Reason To Dress Up.
As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves. Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings. Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³ Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.
There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times.Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard. Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever. The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities. Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.
It Gets A Lot Less Sexy When You Realize She'll Be Dead Soon.
Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore. In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States. Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general. In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State. And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.
A Little Bit Like Schnitzel.
With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011. It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged. Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.
Bravo, Promethean Times.
NEVER AGAIN.
To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:
Amy Might Still Be Alive If She Had Filled Her Drug-Pipe With Harmless Tobacco Instead Of What She Actually Filled It With--Drugs.
The Thing We'll Miss Most? The Laughter.
CNN News Personality Anderson Cooper Was Too Beautiful To Live.
Sure, It's A Tragedy For The Ages, But We Take Some Small Consolation In The Knowledge That There's One Less Drunk On The Streets Tonight.
Quiet, Modest And Unassuming, Mr. Savage Exemplified The Qualities For Which America Is Admired Across The Globe.
Get It? We're Being Metaphorical. Trust Us, Chicks Dig Metaphors.
The Colonel's Friends All Believed It Was Gaddafi's Fascination With Thriller-Era Michael Jackson That Prevented His Promotion To General.
This Beautiful Creature Learned Too Late That If Something Lives, The Germans Will Find A Way To Kill It.
This One Time, When Smaktakula Was In Juvenile Hall On An Arson Charge, He Met A Guy Who Claimed To Be Jani Lane's Half-Brother, And Damned If The Kid Didn't Look Just Like Him. No, That's It.
Old Friend, We'll Miss You Most Of All. Circumstances Demand That We Dispense With The Childish, Insensitive Caricatures Upon Which We So Often Rely, But Rather, Respect Your Culture By Offering You A Farewell Not Only More Dignified, But In Keeping With The Proud Traditions Of Korea. In This Last Hour, Dear Leader, We Say Simply, "Sayonara."
¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.
² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication. ∞T.
³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda. Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia. That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.
Many Soldiers Have Served Under Gay Commanders With Great Satisfaction.
With the repeal of the cowardly “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” now at hand, America is finally forced to come to grips with the notion of openly gay people serving in the military. Our position on homosexuals serving in the military–or in doing anything anyone else does–is as follows:
Won’t ask. Don’t Care.
Gay Men In The Navy? WHAAAAAA?!?
Seriously, the gender of the person you sleep with is the least interesting thing about you.
A gay couple gets married? Don’t care.
Lesbians decide to adopt a child? Don’t care.
A gay man for president? Don’t care.
Gay people upset because Promethean Times pokes fun at them? Don’t care. ∞T.
It's Sometimes Difficult To Take Bad News With Good Grace.
Who’s taken all the gay from the Bay? The question has haunted the fog-shrouded streets of San Francisco since last January’s gay audit, in which the flamboyant city suffered a humiliating downgrade.
Honey, Please--Don't You Read The Papers? We've Got Real Problems.
In a nationwide survey, gay-themed magazine, the Advocate, tested the gayness quotient of several American cities. San Francisco, or ‘Frisco’ as locals lovingly call it, came in a disappointing 11th, behind such gay meccas as St. Louis, Pittsburgh and America’s #1 gay city, Minneapolis.
SF's Got Its Panties All Up In A Bunch. That's No Easy Feat With Studded Leather.
This unhappy news struck San Francisco’s hometown homos like an unlubricated fist, leaving many with feelings of betrayed resentment. Activists are quick to point out that without San Francisco’s brave example in the 1960s and 1970s, gay people might not find the top ten cities quite so hospitable today. This view fails to take into account that the public has the memory span of a syphilitic goldfish.
It's Not The First Place We'd Look To Find Gay People.
Controversy aside, the study has provided data which shatter preconceived notions about gay life. The fact that cities like Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Oakland are among the top fifteen cities in the nation that homosexuals call home effectively puts an end to the degrading stereotype that gay people only live in nice places.
Relax. No Matter What Happens To The City, You'll Always Be The World's Gayest Baseball Team.
The Love Between Two Inanimate Objects Can Be As Powerful As Any Other Love.
Longtime roommates Bert & Ernie may have to answer some uncomfortable questions about their relationship. Although speculation regarding the nature of the Muppets’ relationship has been rife since their debut in 1969, both Bert and Ernie have remained silent amount the matter, saying that theirs is a children’s show, and that while they staunchly support an individual’s right to his or her own sexuality, the pair considers the issue inappropriate for Sesame Street.
This Only Adds Support To Smaktakula's Belief That Sharing Is Totally Gay.
That’s not good enough, says Lair Scott, a homosexual activist with too little in his life to keep him busy. Life is tough for gay people, Scott asserts, particularly for the young. However, Scott believes that if Bert and Ernie were to proudly queer the air, all that would change overnight. He’s started a petition demanding that Children’s Television Workshop out the long-time friends.
He's Deluded If He Thinks The Coming Out Of A TV Puppet Will Spare Him An Adolescence Replete With Beatings.
Whatever choice the closeted duo ultimately makes will be the right one. CTW has nothing to prove, and doesn’t need to force these characters to come out to demonstrate to the world their tolerance. The publicly-funded organization has repeatedly demonstrated its belief that love has no color or shape, and that if you get him drunk enough, a frog will fuck a pig.
You've Heard The Old Saying: Once You Try Swine, Nothing's Ever So Fine.
Promethean Times 