Tag Archives: homosexuality

The Myriad Faces Of Gay

30 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture

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By Smaktakula

Like so much of the English language, ‘Gay’ has a variety of connotations.  Here are the three most common definitions, told with pictures rather than words.

1) Oldest Definition.

Generally considered archaic.

Ex: The joys of the Christmas season left everyone feeling quite gay.

***

2) Contemporary definition.

Not just happy–Fabulous.

Ex: Evan’s not very good at sports because he’s gay.*

*

*

*

***

   3) Pejorative Definition.

Most recent variant, circa 1980s.

Ex: He’s got a tattoo of a Camaro on his back, and it’s super-fucking gay.

***

Some rare and wondrous creatures manage to embody all three definitions simultaneously:

*

Richard Simmons: 1) Gay, 2) Gay, 3) Really Fucking Gay.

*A note to potentially offended readers: It should be obvious that any implication that gay people make poor athletes is intended for humorous purposes, and does not reflect the actual opinions of Promethean Times.  In fact there have been many outstanding homosexual athletes, including Billie Jean King, Greg Louganis and any male figure skater who ever lived.
We regret any offense we may have caused to gay athletes.  The real reason Evan isn’t any good at sports is because he’s Jewish. ∞T.

The Westboro Baptist Church Pretty Much Hates Everybody

28 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News, Religion, Stupidity

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Not Unlike The Protagonists From The Wizard Of Oz, Fred's Got No Heart, No Brains, No Courage, And He's A Little Bitch From Kansas.

In a maneuver of daring doucheness which surprised both their foes and their fringy clutch of boosters alike, yokel commandos from the Westboro Baptist Church staged a brazen assault on America’s East Coast.  The majority of their forces were directed at New York’s Gay Pride Parade, with some held in reserve in the event of a public memorial for Jackass Jackass Ryan Dunn.

Fred's Daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper: You Can See The Crazy Oozing Out Of Her Like Stink From A Dog.

Westboro Baptist, the righteous army of the execrable douchelord Fred Phelps, has gained notoriety in recent years by picketing funerals, most notably those of fallen soldiers and marines.  These Kansan cock-knockers believe that America has strayed from the course intended by the Almighty by failing to lynch outright pernicious elements of society, most particularly homosexuals.  It remains unclear why the Lord of Lords has chosen as His sole prophet a deranged old nutbag from the prairie whose idea of saving souls is waving a placard thanking God for IEDs while screaming incoherently at grieving survivors.  Nevertheless, the indefatigable Clan Westboro is an increasing media presence.

What?!? The Space Shuttle? Why God, Why?

Westboro’s assault on New York City’s Gay Pride Parade is  in retaliation for New York State’s recent legalization of gay marriage, which according to one source close to Phelps has made the preacher “flaming mad, absolutely raging.”  Although the handful of church weirdos who showed up to protest the event were dwarfed in number by the gazillions who attended to celebrate, a spokesidiot for the WBC likened their situation to that of David and Goliath.  She then went on to explain twice that the story of David and Goliath has nothing at all to do with a TV show about a Claymation sissyboy and his talking dog.  She reconfirmed this information in a follow-up interview.

If God Really Hates This Dude, Why Did The Almighty Waste So Much Time On Meticulous Detail?

It is believed that several Westboro operatives remain on the East Coast, planning to disrupt the inevitable memorial to Dunn, which although as-yet-unannounced, most experts believe will have to occur soon before the reality-television clown fades from public’s goldfish-like memory.  Dunn died along with another person last week, in what in other circumstances would be called a murder-suicide, but because it was vehicular has been termed a ‘drunk driving accident.’

Granted, It Was Somewhat Irresponsible Of Dunn To Drive Drunk, Killing Himself And Another Person. But It Was REALLY Irresponsible For Roger Ebert To Suggest That Dunn Might Have Been Drunk Before The World Found Out That He Was.

Given the potential exposure of such a public event, which media outlets like MTV will be only too happy to hijack, the Church has an opportunity to bring their peculiar brand of Christianity to a wider audience.  However, the halfwits who grieve for Dunn aren’t likely to understand how the presumably heterosexual Jackass’ moronic and useless death has anything to do with God hating homosexuals.  The three or four whole-to-partially-witted folks who witness the event are likely to have the same problem.

We Remain Unconvinced That Talking About 'God's Rod' Is The Most Effective Way To Get Folks To Stop Thinking About Man-Sausage.

Falwell Was Right About The Teletubbies

05 Thursday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, History, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Jerry Has Moved On. He Now Wants To Know Why Dora The Explorer Doesn't Like Boys.

Years ago the Reverend Jerry Falwell became a laughingstock when he declared that children’s television characters, the Teletubbies, were gay.  Although the insipidly adorable British monstrosities, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po have been turning children’s brains to mush for almost fifteen years, there is no evidence to suggest that exposure to the Teletubbies has any effect on a child’s future sexuality.

teletubbies names

Not Even Remotely Homosexual, But Still Gayer Than Liberace Draped In A Rainbow Flag And Eating An Ice Cream Cone While Riding A Sequin-Studded Unicorn.

Through the gulf of years, however, it becomes plain that the buffoonish Bible-thumper wasn’t altogether wrong.  At the heart of the issue is the word ‘gay’ with its myriad connotations.

Secretly Knows He Will Never Reach The Swishy Benchmark Set By Tinky Winky.

It is ludicrous to think that four sexless, half-witted mutant hamsters could be homosexual (or any kind of sexual).  Despite this, it is apparent to even the most casual observer that the Teletubbies are in fact massively gay.

Fred From Scooby Doo: Gay In EVERY Sense Of The Word.

Headlines 04.28.11

28 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, News

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By Smaktakula

Just the headlines, none of the content.  For more Headlines fun, click here and here.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If the US Navy were to rid itself entirely of homosexuality, it would have all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Anchors Aweigh!

Brazil shooting said to be first school massacre in nation’s history ~  Previous Brazilian massacres have been of street children, and thus not newsworthy.

Madden NFL 12 to Make Player Safety a Priority ~Madden 12: Also known as ‘The Lame Edition.’

Blind pooch comes with own guide dog ~ Talk about a useless creature.

Meet the perfect rainforest predator ~ Haven’t they been telling us for years that it’s man?

Act goes awry, human cannonball dies ~ There’s no way anyone could have seen this coming.

Gary Busey endorses Donald Trump for president ~ Gary left a chunk of his brain on the street after a helmetless motorcycle accident.  Still, we thought he was smarter than that.

“My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Cat Food!”

Sick grandma dropped in Arctic in botched rescue ~ Okay, we’re actually gonna read this one.

What Makes a Person Ugly? ~ Well, it’s tough to explain, but there’s a reason dogs bark at you in the street and children flee screaming upon your approach.

‘Atlas Shrugged’ finally comes to the screen ~ The audience shrugs.

Small Iowa town ‘lucky’ after big tornado ~ But in the moments before the tornado they were decidedly unlucky.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really an expert, he should know they do that.

Pissing Yourself Is An Acceptable Response.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just wouldn’t shut up about it.

Libya regime accuses Nato of siding with rebels ~ Wasn’t that the whole point?

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ We just don’t know, and we can’t afford to let that happen.

Is Sitting a Lethal Activity? ~ It all depends upon what you’re sitting on.

Our Eagerness To Resort To Awful Puns Is Simply Shocking.

Are You Praising Your Child Properly? ~ Do you even know where the little fuckers are right now?

Putin does the rendition-and-secret-jail thing, too ~ We’re not so different after all.

Woman denies biting off testicles ~ So was she a man before she did it?

Spend Valentine’s Day with Enrique Iglesias and a Big Bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant ~ We are so there.

“Nadie Puede Amarte Como Yo Pueda, Smaktakula.”

Fred Phelps: Champion Of Civil Liberties

04 Friday Mar 2011

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By Smaktakula

The WBC Believes That The Bible Is The Literal Word Of God. Except That Part About "Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself, For God Loves All." Nobody Knows How THAT Wackiness Got In There.

Fred Phelps and his odious Westboro Baptist Church were the recent victors in a 8-1 Supreme Court decision which upheld the church’s right to act like complete cocksuckers at the funerals of soldiers.  The WBC is concerned, as are many fundamentalist Christian and Islamic groups, that the United States has become entirely too tolerant of homosexuality.

Rather than pray for these wayward souls as do so many less militant groups, the WBC takes, what is to their thinking anyway, direct action.  To combat homosexuality, this group demonstrates at the funerals of soldiers (of whom, although no data exist to confirm this, it can be assumed were largely heterosexual), trumpeting the Good News that God is not only thrilled by the heartbreaking loss of life, but that moreover the Almighty “Hates Fags.”

As devoted proponents of the 1st Amendment, Promethean Times applauds the Supreme Court’s decision.  As difficult as it can sometimes be to accept, tolerance includes those things which offend us to our cores.  In this way, Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church have struck a victory for us all.

To Fred Phelps, champion of our civil liberties, we say:

WAY TO GO, HOMO!

"I WANT YOU To Go Fuck Yourself."

The Pros And Cons Of Your Girlfriend’s Gay Friend

14 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

No, He's Not Really A Child Prodigy, But The Man's A Hell Of A Dresser.

Pros: You can be sure that your wife/girlfriend will be accompanied at all times on her night out by a dude with absolutely no designs on her.*

Cons: There are NO cons.  Sure, he thinks she’s too good for you, but so do all her other girlfriends.

Honestly, we’re inclined to agree.  But still, we’re rooting for you!

If This Guy Had The Slightest Interest In Your Girlfriend, You'd Be Out Of The Picture With A Quickness. You Ought To Get Down On Your Knees And Thank Him Properly. What?

*Beware of the “fake gay” friend.  He is an insidious creature not to be trusted.

Happy Thoughts For Friday: Thank Goodness This Asshole Wasn’t Your College Roommate

01 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Voyeuristic cock-knocker Dharun Ravi had no idea that his cruel, invasive prank would lead to his roommate Tyler Clementi’s suicide and subsequent metaphorical rebirth as the 21st Century’s Matthew Shepard.  The two Rutgers freshmen had by all accounts a fairly amicable relationship, although Ravi had allegedly expressed apprehension about Clementi’s homosexuality.

Dharun Ravi: Failed To Anticipate The Possible Fallout From Humiliating His Potentially Unstable Gay College Roommate During A Slow News Cycle.

Whether his actions were spurred by homophobia or simply because he was a festering genital lesion, Ravi secretly recorded what is being called “a sexual encounter” between Clementi and another male, and then uploaded it onto the internet.

Clementi, in an apparent suicide three days later, leapt to his death from the George Washington Bridge.

Rather than Thank Goodness This Asshole Wasn’t Your College Roommate, we could have just as easily called it Thank Goodness You’re Not Dharun Ravi, because that guy is F-U-C-K-E-D.

"Damn, Kid--I'm So Glad I'm Not You Right Now."

Will Pirouette For Respect

24 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Music

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By Smaktakula

Ballet has long been known as both an aesthetic and athletic endeavor, entwining beauty and ability into a single art form.  In its physicality it is not unlike more traditional sports, and in fact requires a great deal more athletic ability than some so-called “sports.”   

Perpetuating The Cycle Of Violence: Someday She Will Do The Same To Her Daughter.

Despite this, the American public has never really gone for ballet.  Like mime or disc golf, ballet lives on through the efforts of a desperately fanatical cadre of aficionados and the largesse of wealthy benefactors.  Ballet’s primary demographic is the legion of nine year-old girls who comprise its base.             

And yet, people seem to understand instinctively that ballet is something to be admired.  It is often employed metaphorically when discussing natural phenomenon, such as the stars or the northern lights, in overblown phrases like “the majesty of the cosmic ballet.”  Even more ironically, the same people who would under no circumstances attend the ballet nevertheless attempt to lend a high-minded importance to football by invoking a comparison to ballet: athleticism as aestheticism.  It has even been used in an attempt to justify silly non-sports like professional wrestling.             

The "Mincing Our Way Into America's Heart" Campaign Was Not A Success.

Although only about 50% of male ballet dancers are gay,* the terms for male ballet dancers–danseur and ballerino–are 100% gay.   However, this only makes ballet a “gay” endeavor by the same logic that says football is a “straight” sport because it’s played largely (but by no means exclusively) by straight men.  Still, it doesn’t help sell ballet to the beer & pork rind crowd.             

Neither is ballet doing itself any favors by continuing to wrap danseurs in flesh-hugging leotards, thereby devolving them into heinous sausage-smugglers.  Juxtapose this fact with the title of the only ballet most Americans can name, The Nutcracker, and it’s easy to see why mainstream America has so far shied away from ballet.             

The Promethean Times Editorial Staff has come up with a slogan which the ballet industry is free to use as it chooses.  We hope it will finally shame Americans into embracing this venerable art form:            

IF YOU DON’T LIKE BALLET

YOU’RE PROBABLY A HOMO!

       

* This statistic courtesy of the always unimpeachable repository of historical record, Wikipedia.   

Jeté To Facebook

The Skonk

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Political Correctness, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Television

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By Smaktakula

In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room.  The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations.  Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.

Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks.  Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks.  A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known.  Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.

Johnny Depp: His Skonk Oil Is Worth Millions.

Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood.  In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population.  It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.

This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males.  The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation.  One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.

Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude.  In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole.  One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”

Angel Of The Morning: Skonk Life Is Not All Sunshine And Giggles.

Some famous skonks and non-skonks:

Historical

Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.

Secret Skonk: Gandhi

Great Minds

Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.

Secret Skonk: Karl Marx

Film & Television

Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks.  Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.

Secret Skonk: None

Music

Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.

Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.

Secret Skonk: Morrissey

Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks.  Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.

Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.

Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison

"Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta."

Fictional Characters

James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.

Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.

Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo

Friends of Promethean Times

Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.

The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.

Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il

"Hate The Game. Don't Hate The Praya."

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Society Reels In Stunned Disbelief As Ricky Martin Comes Out Of The Closet

31 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News

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Wha?!?  Ricky Martin is . . . gay?   

The Livin’ la Vida Loca Ricky Martin?  No kidding?  

Wow.  

If Ricky is gay, then the moon must be made of fingernail clippings and Yankee Stadium just a field of daisies, because today the world has stopped making sense.     

Really? We Don't See It.

 A gay man working in the entertainment industry?  Okay, whatever you say . . .   

Ricky Sets The Record Not Straight Here: BBC World Service – News – Ricky Martin comes out as gay.

Smaktakula

 

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