Category Archives: Culture

For Reals: The Best of Promethean Times!

17 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By the Promethean Times Editorial Staff

For The Best And Most Reliable News From The Four Corners Of The Globe, You Know Where To Look.

In which we present a few of  our favorite Promethean Times’ features. We hope you’ll enjoy as well. ∞ T.

Humor:

We Prefer Humor That Is Neither Hurtful Nor Degrading.

Our readers know that humor is near and dear to our hearts. In the following post, we provide the punch lines to our very favorite jokes. Straight lines not included.

The Big Issues:

Blondes: As Stupid As They Are Slutty.

In which we tackle the pressing social issues of freedom of speech and question the true nature of female beauty. We also discuss why blond people shouldn’t wear their hair in dreadlocks, and why their women are so dumb and slutty.

Nature:

This Is Nothing A Car Exhaust And A Length Of Hose Won't Cure.

We care deeply about the environment and the creatures who live within it.

Culture:

Has Anyone Ever Stopped To Ask If Maybe They Had It Coming?

We spend a good deal of time talking about various places around the globe.  We think you’ll enjoy our report on those iniquitous Belgians.

People in Power:

Jimmy, Why Do You Hang Out With Him If He's Just Gonna Treat You Like That?

Like the rest of the world, we’re fascinated by powerful people. In these  gems, we explore the friendship between two former presidents, and examine the future King of England’s quest for true love.

Small Black Actors:

Small, Black & Formerly Famous. But The Similarities End There.

Tales of two diminutive former child stars: one a cursed, loveless misanthrope, the other a happy little man-whore.

The Evil Ones:

Ding, Dong The Dick Is Dead!

In which we take a hard look at the enemies of freedom.

Fictional Characters:

His Blood Was An Unsweetened Raspberry-Watermelon. Even The Dogs Wouldn't Lap It Up.

It’s not just real people who get the Promethean Times treatment. Here we explore the tragic effect of violence upon the worlds of soft-drink advertising and children’s educational programming.

Promethea Culpa Culpa: More Retractions

16 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Tardsie

Occasionally, You May Read Something In These Pages That Just Isn't True.

Readers of Promethean Times know how very seriously we take our journalistic responsibility to keep the public informed. Throughout its nearly two-hundred years of publication, Promethean Times has striven to justify our readership’s trust by providing only the most accurate and thoroughly-vetted information. Although we have been exceptionally successful in this endeavor, we do from time to time make mistakes. It is vital to our mission that, when on those infrequent occasions when we do make mistakes, we correct them quickly.

***

See? It's Not Just Us.

Mickey Rooney does not have late-stage syphilis. A representative of the nonagenarian actor and insurance pitchman told Promethean Times that Rooney was healthy and that his nose has not ‘rotted away to a blackened stump’ as previously reported.

***

We extend a heartfelt and abject apology not only to the wife and infant daughter of Scoutmaster Daniel “Flip” Plevins and the parents of Billy Wilkins, Shane Green and Cody McPhereson, but to all of Cub Scout Pack 492 and to the intrepid park rangers who were first upon the grisly scene. Further, we apologize to any readers unknown to us who may have suffered injury after relying on erroneous information provided by this publication. We regret our error. As it turns out, grizzly bears are not, in fact, ‘more scared of you than you are of them.’

On The Plus Side, You've Gotten Your Nature Badge Out Of The Way.

The sound you hear when a spoon falls in the garbage disposal is NOT the wailing spirit of the child you aborted the summer after your sophomore year in college. In retrospect, saying so seems unnecessarily cruel.

"Why, Mommy? Why?"

Contrary to what was printed on this site, sprinkling your breakfast cereal with the finely ground toes of Irish babies will not cure leprosy.

***

We reported that a kitten frozen in a block of ice for a period of up to three months will revive if properly thawed. While this advice has proven to be cruelly incorrect, we submit that it was still a really cool notion.

But Don't Simply Take Our Word For It.

We were sorely off the mark when we told parents that flame-retardant toys would impair their children’s cognitive abilities. This is not the case. However, in our ongoing commitment to child safety, we urge parents to make sure that each of their children’s toys is clearly marked “INFLAMMABLE.’

***

Legalizing gay marriage will apparently not cause the universe to collapse in upon itself. Sorry, we thought it would.

If You Can Guarantee That You Won't Be There, We'll Take It.

Some previous retractions:

Promethea Culpa

74 Years Ago In Promethean Times: Sorry About Your Blimp, Hans

Professional Women

15 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

She Works Hard For The Money.

Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal?

George Carlin

Prostitution remains illegal throughout most of the world. Despite the hypocrisy inherent in being forbidden to sell what you can give away for nothing, antiquated morality keeps the industry underground. This in turn creates a host of problems for the prostitute, making her not only a criminal, but perpetuating the dangerous cycle of abuse and drug-addiction so common throughout the industry.

Professional Ladies Come In All Shapes And Sizes.

Attitudes are finally changing, however. One indicator of increasing support for legalized prostitution has been the rebranding of the industry. Long known as prostitutes, hookers and in vulgar circles, whores, these plucky gals¹ are now known as sex-industry workers.

You Know, When You Call It That, You Take A Lot Of The Fun Out Of It.

A further way in which attitudes have demonstratively changed is in our treatment of the women themselves. Long regarded as ‘unfortunates,’ something perhaps more than animal but less than human, and completely unable to make decisions for themselves, members of the world’s oldest non-farming profession are increasingly being seen as human beings with the accordant dignity and rights such status implies.

You're No Great Beauty, It's True--But Don't Sell Yourself Short. You Saw The Heifer Two Images Back, Right?

Only a few years ago, a sex worker who was brave enough to report being sexually assaulted would probably receive more humiliation than help from the police, and likely never see justice. Today, her assailant would be charged with rape. This is tremendous progress, but still falls short of justice, failing to recognize the complex entity a sex-worker represents. As she is an individual with rights, charging her attacker with rape is entirely appropriate. However, the sex worker is also a business entity, for which reason the unlucky rapist should additionally be charged with theft.²

Not A Prostitute Per Se, But Still Very Much A Whore.

¹This applies to industry females only. Male sex workers are still called rent boys. ∞ T.
²In some cases this only amounts to shoplifting. Don’t sell it so cheap, ladies! ∞ T.

Valentine’s Day: Embrace The Heartache

14 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

You Think You Do, Anyway.

Except for malodorous, house-bound misanthropes, no one wants to be alone. Humans are social creatures who seek comfort in the company of their fellows. Romantic love is particularly cherished, with lonely hearts sinking billions into online matchmaking services in the hopes of bringing at last to an end their soul-crushing isolation. The depths of humanity’s reverence for the emotion are so pronounced that fantastically ridiculous abilities are attributed to love, such as its apparent tendency to make the world go ’round or that ‘love is all you need.’ Love makes us stupid, and we like it.

You CAN Put A Price On Love. It's About 3,000 Hail Marys.

Valentine’s Day, February 14th, has been set aside to honor this most beloved of emotions. And like love itself, the holiday exerts a dizzying power over the senses, often leading to anxiety, despair and weight-gain. With all this going for it, who doesn’t love Valentine’s Day?

Lots of people, as it turns out. Those untouchables not fortunate enough to be in relationships despise the day, as it is a painful reminder of their empty, joyless lives, into which the light of fulfilment never shines. People in relationships likewise hate the holiday. Is it not enough, they reason, to eat meals, watch television and occasionally copulate with this barely tolerable person, without having to spend oneself broke attempting to bolster their self-esteem? Plenty of people have a beef with Valentine’s Day.

But given that the holiday has not only survived into modern times, but actually thrived, clearly, someone appreciates the annual homage to love.  So who does love Valentine’s Day? These guys:

The Love You Earn Is The Cash You Burn.

You know who else hates Valentine’s Day? Salman Rushdie and Bugs Moran. ∞ T.

Profiles In Dignity

13 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Tardsie

Some Folks Just Can't Catch A Break.

“Someone showed me a picture and I just laughed
Dignity never been photographed”

Bob Dylan

***

In 1965, songwriters Hal David and Burt Bacharach opined that love was ‘the only thing that there’s too little of.’  As any starving child in a famine-ridden but over-populated country will readily tell you, there are a great many things much rarer than love, which turns out to be rather common.

Dignity, however, is a dying resource. Experts contend that long-term exposure to media and social diets low in dignity can lead to both spiritual and moral deprivation as well as physical degradation. To celebrate this unfortunate trend, we’ve taken amusing pictures from the internet, and added to the poignancy with our own comments.  Enjoy!

Bonus! The Tank Can Hold Up To A Magnum Of Diet Pepsi.

***

No Matter How Excited You Are, It's Never Okay To Douse The President In Your Personal Fluids.

***

How Many Different Kinds Of Gay Can You Spot In This Picture?

***

San Francisco Is The Only Ballclub Forward-Thinking Enough To Sponsor Its Own Pedophile Outreach Program.

***

There's A Fine Line Between Terrifying And Ridiculous. It's Called The 'Terrifyingly Ridiculous Line.'

***

It Would Appear That Star Fleet Academy Has Relaxed Its Entrance Requirements In Recent Years.

***

Look At The Size Of That Pussy! The One Under The Cat, We Mean (Oh, Don't Act So Shocked; You Love It When We Go Lowbrow).

***

The Ass-Belly Is The Most Disturbing Thing In This Image, And That's Saying Quite A Bit.

***

Someday You'll Be Able To Tell Your Kids About That Time You Made Danica Patrick Throw Up In Her Own Mouth.

***

You Can Laugh, But It's A Finely Tuned Evolutionary Adaptation To Life In Today's Fast-Paced Urban Environment.

***

So how do you go about getting yourself one of those aqua-scooters, anyway? < S.

Singer Whitney Houston Dies

11 Saturday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment, Music, News

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Whitney Wasn't Always A Reality Star. Once Upon A Time Being Famous Required Having Talent.

Whitney Houston is dead at 48 a representative of the beloved singer announced today. Although cause of death has yet to be determined, even an encephalitic gibbon knows that drugs were the most likely culprit.

After a series of chart-busting hits the 1980s and the early 1990s, Houston’s reputation and career began a rapid simultaneous decline in the late 1990s, as the multiple-platinum artist devolved into a ranting, crack-addled bag lady. The enduring tragedy of Houston’s story is that her beauty, voice and  innocence–the three transcendent qualities which made the performer unique–had been squandered long before she died.

Kids, Don't Do Drugs. But If You Absolutely Must Do Drugs, For Heaven's Sake, Do Them Correctly.

As with all stories of addiction and degradation, Houston’s fall did not occur overnight. She came to her abject and fatal road by a variety of paths, each winding tortuously through thickets of shame and poor choices and into the pungent morass of despair. Those various and meandering trails, however, if diligently followed, all terminate at a single source.

Nice One, Asshat.

Recycling: Picking Up The Pieces Of Broken Lives

10 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture, Science

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

"This Ain't The America I Know!"

We’ve come a long way in just one generation. It wasn’t so many years ago that the nation was buried from coast to coast in filth: trash subsumed parking lots, fields and empty spaces, with refuse festooned along telephone wires and garbage lining the sides of America’s highways. In recent years, wiser and more proactive voices have been heard, and the West has finally begun the slow march back from the garbage-choked precipice upon which it had found itself.

But our commitment to a cleaner environment comes with a price. While the majority of the population derives huge benefits from these changes in the form of better health and therefore a longer and more enjoyable life, the change in sensibilities has proven devastating for America’s forgotten citizens, who see a cherished way of life coming to an abrupt and painful end.

Some Nations Are Not So Hygienically-Inclined As Are Americans.

Ask yourself: who is left out in the cold by the culture’s ecological zeal? How about those fringers who make their living by digging shit out of the garbage? A plethora of half-eaten Chicken McNuggets and Subway sandwiches will ensure that they eat, but where will they find the money for fortified wine? Consider the middle-aged fellow who hangs out behind the Save-Mart, the dude with the running sore on his cheek who’s forever bickering with the invisible demons hunched upon his shoulders.  Just what do you suppose this gentleman will do when he digs through a filthy dumpster only to discover you’ve taken your recycling in yourself?  He’s not going to be very happy, we can tell you that much.  He may even leave a turd on the hood of your car.  Again.

Like it or not, unforeseen consequences attend every decision. While our newfound zeal for an orderly environment has unquestionably made the earth a more livable place for the majority, the homeless have seen a radical change to their time-honored way of life. Now, these plucky outdoorsmen must devote a greater share of their time not only to panhandling, but also to concocting a sufficiently heart-rending tale to accompany it.

Oooh, That's A Good One!

Headlines 02.09.12

09 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

We respond to today’s headlines without first reading the stories!

Whatever. We’ll Continue To Invest Our Assets In Lottery Tickets.

Parenting After Penn State: Can We Trust Coaches with Our Kids? ~ As much as we ever could.

Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.

This Undulant Curiosity Comes With Its Own Event Horizon.

Cops: Boy, 5, stabbed three over juice ~ You’d think after the first stabbing they’d just give the kid his fucking juice.

Santorum Surges, Romney Shrugs ~ Ew.  You know what that means, right?

Should teams lose for Luck? ~ Good question, Confucius.  We’ve got one for you: should a person starve himself for satiety?

The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins can’t even keep their asses out of tuna nets.

‘Little Help?’

Unconsciously, Everyone Wants to Date a Hottie ~ But only unconsciously.  Our conscious mind directs us to copulate with fuglies.

Wild find: Half grizzly, half polar bear ~ 100% AWESOME!

Fun in Mogadishu? Indeed! ~ If you’re a khat-crazed buccaneer.

Jamie Lynn Spears: I’m Afraid of Not Being a Good Mom ~ Some fears are justified.

LA arson probe: Person of interest had ‘creepy’ smile, witness says ~ He totally did it, then.  The creepy smile is how you can tell.

What You’re Buying Is The Serial-Killer Smile; The ShamWow! Is An Extra.

What will Giants need to do in order to repeat? ~ Win another Super Bowl, ass.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that remains a mystery.

FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the ones you least suspect.

Native Americans, given less time to vote for president, sue SD ~ They always end up voting for Jack Daniels anyway.

“The Great Spirit Says I Must Seek A Vision.”

Former Survivor member sues Gingrich for using “Eye of Tiger” ~ You’d think they’d be thanking Gingrich–that song is about as old as he is.

Elderly Woman Leaves Condo To Homeless ~ And now no one wants to live there.

Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ They can help THEMSELVES stay out of a nursing home by helping Smaktakula out with a little ‘Beanie Baby’ money.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ You best watch your mouth if you don’t want to end up scrubbing your own floors.

We’ve Practically Made Ethnic Pandering Into A Science.

More Fun With Headlines:

Fresno: Looking Past All The Suck

07 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Fresno Sucks Donkey Balls, It's True.

Fresno, California is a powerfully forgettable city.  Squatting like an infected zit in the center of California’s San Joaquin Valley (itself labelled a ‘New Appalachia’ by The Economist), Fresno is an embarrassing relation to California’s first-class cities: Los Angeles, San Diego, San Jose and San Francisco. Fresno is the cataclysmically retarded sibling the family keeps locked in the basement when company visits.

You Wouldn't Let Your Family Live Here, Yet This Is What Thousands Of Americans Endure Every Day.

Fresno’s abject wretchedness becomes apparent when it is understood that despite its relative obscurity, Fresno is the fifth largest city in California and 34th in the nation, making it far more populous than many other more famous and beloved cities.  Moreover, the dust-blown hellhole has long been known as a crime-ridden cesspit–pungent, filthy and unlivable, where average  July temperatures soar above 97 degrees.

MY L1F3 4 FR35N0. FR35N0 4 L1FE, Y0.

Neither are Fresnans known for their mental prowess.   In 2009 the city wallowed dead last in a national ranking of ‘Smartest Cities in America, and boasts as its primary institution of higher learning Cal State Fresno. Fresno lacks any professional sports teams,* and for famous Fresnans can list the likes of Balco’s Victor Conte, talentless rapper-cum-baby daddy K-Fed and crazy bitch Anne Heche.  Local citizens have even founded the Frebby Awards, to highlight those rare and delicate elements of Fresno life not completely saturated with suck.

So Sad.

But things may at last be looking up for the Raisin City. A recent newspaper headline has tagged Fresno with a distinction which seems to blow like an ill wind from city to blighted city throughout the American West.  Tomorrow the spotlight may be upon Tacoma, Washington, Enid, Oklahoma or any one of a hundred other loser cities, but this moment belongs to Fresno, which for today anyway, has been declared the methamphetamine capital of the United States of America.  Way to go, Fresno!

Everyone Is Special In His Or Her Own Way.

*Fresno does have a AAA baseball team, the Fresno Grizzlies. However, we hardly need remind readers that as the farm team for the San Francisco Giants, they don’t really count. ∞ T.

It’s Groundhog Day!

02 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!"

On which, not unlike our superstitious, cave-dwelling, moon-worshipping ancestors, we seek guidance on the mysteries of nature from a hyperthyroid rat named Punxsutawney Phil. Legend has it that if Phil sees his own shadow on February 2, you’ll be doomed to repeat the same awful day of your life–taking piano lessons,  assaulting insurance agents and killing time with Chris Elliot–until you mend your selfish ways.

Punxsutawney Phil Is No Less Reliable Than This Asshole.

Regardless Of Whether He Sees His Shadow, Phil Can Expect Six More Weeks Of Buggery.

This post is dedicated to Ned Ryerson, and to hard-working insurance professionals throughout the United States and Canada. ∞ T.