Tag Archives: China

Return Of Not What You Were Looking For?

02 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 12 Comments

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By Tardsie

There's No Such Thing As A 'Typical" Promethean Times Reader. The Only Common Thread Is Degeneracy.

Not everyone who visits Promethean Times finds us on purpose. Here we respond to some of the bizarre, dangerous and downright foul search terms by which you found us. Enjoy!

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fags love straight men ~ It’s true, but just between us, you’ll be safe.

sexual watersports ~ What’s that, like having sex on water-skis? We’ll just look that up and…OH! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

ugly guy with mullet ~ We’re gonna need more details.

drunken irish beaver ~ We challenge you to show us an Irish beaver who’s not drunk.

"Aw Jaysus, Mikey, Me Ould Son--Oim So Fookin' Pissed Oi Cannah Remember--Iz'tah Wrang Soide Ah Dah Rood Daht We Droive Ahn, Oir Dah Roight Soide?"

hugh hefner creepy ~ Really? You don’t think it’s normal for a doddering, incontinent old man to make pretend sex with silicate vixens?

a is for addict ~ b is for bum. This is fun!

in squalor recluse no friends ~ Sounds tough, buddy! Hopefully we were able to make you smile.

is pauly shore allergic to anything? ~ We like the way you think. Tell us you’ve got a lunch date with Pauly.

courtney love breast feeding at Wendys ~ Surely even the most rabid breast-feeding advocate must concede that such a thing is neither natural nor beautiful; it is an abomination.

Apparently, She Lactates Pure Methadone.

emmanuael lewis 2011 ~ Skonk 4 LIFE, Yo!

confusion in 84 year old ~ That’s bound to happen.

does prince william call camella “mom”  — What do you think, retard?

tina fey dead ~ She’s NOT dead. We told you that.

history of black dicks ~ Well, you might want to start with Robert Mugabe, and Barry Bonds was supposed to be a real jerk…you meant ‘black penii,’ didn’t you?

Being A Nice Guy Doesn't Matter Until You Lose Your Ability To Hit.

what did billy carter do ~ Besides embarrass a nation, you mean?

who is prince william’s soulmate? ~ ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim. We also told you that.

cons to a temporary marriage ~ Same as the cons for a permanent marriage: your spouse.

did you invite jesus ~  Hells yeah! He’s doing Jell-O shots.

"The Bad News Is That We're Out Of Wine. The Good News Is We've Got All This Bottled Water, And I Know This Party Trick..."

bert and ernie gay ~ You’d think that Bert would be the ‘man,’ but no, it’s Ernie.

opinions on abortion — We’ve got enough opinions already.

how to thank an asshole for an asshole action — Flush?

paul pierce eyes–And now we suppose that Paul is blind.

percentage of men who climax on their partner’s face ~ It’s about 45%. The percentage who do it a second time? 0%.

Seriously, It's Not Sexy.

was macht pauly shore heute —Nichts

korean down syndrome — They call it “Up” syndrome in South Korea.  In the glorious paradise of North Korea there are no people with disabilities whatsoever.  They’re eaten.

promethean times ~ Hello!

cooking in your sauna ~ It can be done, but it’s not advised.

spiders living in tongue; spider lays eggs on face ~ Not true, sadly, but it’s nice to have something to believe in.

worst place to live in north korea ~ Well, it’s all pretty bad, but we heard that the intersection of Chigun and 47th Avenue is pretty rough.

westboro name origin ~ We told you a little about that.

"So I'm Thinking Of Starting A Church..."

white girls in black sororities ~ Actually, black sororities are in many ways like our rules for eating in bed: No Crackers!

lady mullet ~ It’s called a femullet, and it’s hella sexy.

naked nicknames ~ Smaktakula’s is ‘Tiny.’

crazy russian mathmatition ~ You’re talking about our pal, Grigori!

after the taliban took control of afghanistan, respect for women went downhill from there.  they are treate . . . ~ Sounds like you already know how the story comes out. What do you need us for?

fellatrix blog ~ We read it for a while, but found it hard to swallow.

fake testicles ~ Check these out!

baseball is big in China ~ Nothing’s all that big in China, except for Yao Ming, and he had to come to the States for a life worth a damn.

Oh Yeah, And This Monstrosity.

pedobear jackpot ~ It’s the first ten rows of a Justin Bieber show.

statistics ballet homosexuality ~ It’s somewhere around 95% (plus or minus 5%).

douchebaggery now a hairstyle ~ It has been for a while. Check this out. And this.

marijuana rectal cancer ~ It’s the sole cause, man!

dread hippy porn–We dread it too.

Yeah, We Know That Razors Weren't So Big In The Age Of Aquarius, But In The Age Of Hygiene, They Are. And Take A Shower While You're At It!

poems about mullets ~ I think that I shall never see/A Dude as hideous and sad as thee/Please cover your head with a paper bag/’Cause your freaky hair makes you look like a…doofus.

russell brand douchebag–We prefer Massengill brand douchebag.

appalachian pot-– The strain is created by cross-breeding it with itself.

i hate pork ~ Smaktakula does too.

camilla parker bolwes pretty–Pretty what?

Usually Powerful Men Like Prince Charles Opt To "Go Pretty" In Second Marriages.

victims of the stupid gene ~ More numerous than sand on the beach.

following vice prez who is next in line of succession the prez of us ~ Apparently the Founding Fathers didn’t think this through. According to the Constitution, in  the event that both the President and Vice-President are unable to serve, the Presidency goes to the  guy who owns the most horses.

nicknames for dick — What’s your name again?

was obama photographed with leeches on his face ~What?!? No.

dear camp female tramps ~ Tramps are dear to us as well.

vienna sausage creations ~ Well, speaking euphemistically–children.

showing his cock ~ ‘Tis a fine bantam you have there, sir–sure to win first prize at the County Fair.

people remembering the 60s — Are often tiresome.

Anti-Drug PSA's Would Be So Much More Effective If This Guy Was The Poster-Boy.

fbi warning negro—Clarence prefers to be called the FBI warning African-American.

testicles hanging off truck—That was one hell of an accident.

condoms for men with small penis~They’re called Little Richards, and they’re surprisingly comfortable. Or, that’s what we read in Consumer Reports anyway.

tina fey died ~ Haven’t we been through this?

im a nazi ~ Some Israeli gentlemen may be visiting later this evening.

fish vagina innuendos—Going to a party later tonight and need a line that will impress the ladies?

"Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive! Heh! Tuna? Anyone? Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive!..You People Wouldn't Know Funny If It Bit You On The Ass!"

***

Check out how these creepos found us!

Driving Miss Lotus

26 Monday Sep 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture

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By Smaktakula

The public’s flaccid attentions twitched briefly in response to a recent viral video from China which shows a very young girl navigating an SUV on a busy street.  Although condemnation promptly issued from the four corners of the globe, Chinese officials admitted their hands were tied:

Local police spokesman Li Xiaobin revealed that there was very little they could do, under Chinese law.

“Kids absolutely are not allowed to drive,” he said. “However, as for drivers under 14 years old, we can’t give them tickets.

This is a surprising admission of powerlessness from China, which only twenty years ago set a shining example to the world as a paragon of tyrannical repression, a bloody trail of tank-mashed protesters to prove it.  However, in keeping with the spirit of the old China, one unnamed official did mention the possibility of re-education for the child’s parents.  Re-education, it should be noted, is one of the myriad Chinese euphemisms for “torture and likely execution.”

Some experts caution that the affair is overblown.  According to Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Council for Responsible Asian Steering Habits (CRASH), “Studies have shown that the average Chinese citizen demonstrates all the driving skill of a hydrocephalic monkey with a bad crack habit, so a bright four-year-old behind the wheel could only be a boon to public safety.”

A More Serious Threat To Pedestrians Than You Might Think.

Hemophilia Ain’t Funny, Y’all!

14 Wednesday Sep 2011

Posted by in Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

According to the 2010 US Census, formerly-homogeneous American backwaters like West Virginia have benefited from a substantial increase in Asian immigrants.  This is somewhat fitting, as inbreeding pretty much leads to inbleeding anyway.

It's Difficult To Say How China's One-Child Policy Will Fare In A Place Where A Man Can Be His Own Father.

You have a most honorable mouth! ∞T.

Third-World Hellholes More Fun Than Disneyland

24 Friday Jun 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Not The Vague Cop-Out It May At First Appear To Be.

The International Happiness rankings are in, and the news is not good for the United States.  In a humiliating reversal of expectations that stunned all but a few of the world’s nations, the first-world nation and so-called ‘last remaining superpower’  finds itself dead last in the rankings.  Making matters worse, it appears that happiness quotients in the United States were too low to be accurately measured by the comprehensive survey, resulting in no score at all.

America: It Turns Out That The Absence Of Fear, Want And Tyranny Can Leave You Pretty Bummed.

Faring the best at number 1 was the People’s Republic of China.  Rounding out the top five were such Shangri-las as North Korea (2), Cuba (3), Iran (4) and Venezuela (5).  Although to varying degrees these nations had been thought shitholes (particularly #s 2 & 3), it’s now believed that the authoritarian (and in some cases totalitarian) governments in these top-five governments actually aid happiness by removing many of the daily life-choices that can contribute to unhappiness.

Each Culture Is Unique, And Thus Will Express Delight In Differing Ways.

The survey was conducted by pollsters in North Korea, who were no doubt glad to have the work as a distraction from the constant gnawing of hunger in their distended bellies.  The polling agency that completed the survey assured various watchdog groups that it employed a highly-subjective and ever-changing set of criteria on which to base its findings.

We Agree--These Folks Really Know How To Live.

America’s poor showing in this wholly unbiased study has caused concern throughout the formerly great nation.  Scientists such as Dr. Earl Wickenburg of the Bahl-Tikkler Institute blame ‘Plethoritis’–literally the bounty of choices Americans face every day in employment, eating, healthcare and travel–for the US ennui.   “Americans think they’re happy,” says Wickenburg, ‘But they’re not ‘Venezuela Happy.'”

The 4th And 5th Place Winners In The Happy Derby Congratulate One Another, And Look Forward To A Spirited Competition Next Year. "Look Out, Cuba!" Ahmadinejad jokes.

Not everybody is surprised by this.  “I totarry saw this coming,” says one high-placed observer, who asked that we call him only by the alias ‘Lil Jim, “Americans think they’re happy, but rearry–they’re so ronery.”

''Lil Jim' Says That America's Endemic Unhappiness Is The Big Secret Nobody Talks About.

However, if the world economy continues to sour, experts believe that the United States has a chance to improve its dismal status in the rankings.  “If the nation can get back to its lean, mean fighting weight of the Great Depression,” Wickenburg says, “America can usher in a new age of ‘do-without’ greatness.'”  According to Wickenburg’s calculations, an indicator of America’s growing happiness will be the complete stanching of northward immigration across the US’s southern border, coupled with the heretofore-unobserved phenomenon of a southward flow into Mexico.

Community Is One Secret To North Korea's Happiness. Here, North Korean Elites Gather For An Ultra-Swanky "Food" Party.

No Brains, But Guts To Spare

15 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by in Culture, Music, News, Science, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

"Sell A Vital Organ And Thereby Seriously Jeopardize My Remaining 60-Plus Years For A Couple Pieces Of Overpriced Electronic Crap, Which Are Even Now Hurtling Toward Obsolescence? Dude--You Had Me At The Open Quote."

Disproving the long-standing stereotype that Chinese children are better educated and more intelligent than their Western counterparts, one young man in China has set out to prove that Chinese youth are every bit as stupid as Western kids, if not even more stupider.*  Xiao Zheng, a 17-year-old moron from Guangdong province in China, was so horny for electronic products that it seemed a good idea to sell body parts to get them.

But Xiao was no fool; he wasn’t about to go selling critically important organs like his heart, liver or appendix–the absence of which would bring about immediate death, preventing him from playing with his blood-bought doodads.  Instead, he chose from paired organs, finally settling on a kidney.  Considered a vital–or at the very least really important– organ by most medical professionals, the kidney filters waste from the blood, as well as performing several other duties in support of a properly functioning body.

We're Told It's Pretty Important.

Xiao pushed ahead with his hard-thought plan, permitting an anonymous assembly line surgeon with questionable hygiene to rummage his innards before ripping out the healthy organ.  But the slaughterhouse docs were as good as their word, paying Xiao the kingly sum of 22,000 Yuan, or about $3,400.  Meanwhile a cancer-ridden septuagenarian billionaire was able to add a few months to his papery half-life thanks to the gift of the teenager’s kidney, paying the black marketeers enough to ensure a ridiculous profit margin–so in the end, everybody won.

Xiao didn’t waste his nearly 3.5 grand by investing it by bribing a local official for higher placement on the civil service exam or for his inevitable future dialysis treatments.  Instead, he used the money as he always intended, to buy an iPad 2 and a boss new iPhone.

Xiao is already planning his financial strategy for purchasing the next generation of those devices when they ship early next year–he’ll sell more paired organs.  The maimed lad is already gauging responses from potential buyers for one of his eyes or a lung.  Sadly, Xiao’s liquid physical resources end there–alas, he was born with just one testicle.

.Don't Look Now, But We Think A Certain Someone Is About To Completely Lose His Shit And Mow Down The Cheerleading Squad.

*While it’s true that the comparative and superlative forms of ‘stupid’ are ‘stupider’ and ‘stupidest’ respectively, Smaktakula is employing the superduperlative form.  Now you know.  ∞T.

No Rice For You!

31 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by in Culture

≈ 4 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Raise Your Hand If Yours Is A Life Of Joyless Tedium.

If you’ve been a student in any multi-ethnic society during the last twenty years, you may have noticed a particular scholastic trend among Asian students.  They do better than you.  Like most people, you probably figured that the Asian kids were simply smarter.  While such an intellectual disparity may be possible–even likely, it only tells half the story.  The secret to the Asian kid’s success isn’t simply her own intelligence, but that her parents are wildly superior to your lame-ass mom and dad.

The Chinese Way: Efficient, But Never At The Cost Of Human Dignity.

Or so says Amy Chua. Writing recently in the Wall Street Journal, Chua argues for the superiority of Chinese parenting, whose techniques she employs in her own parenting.  The author happily boasts about regimenting her daughters’ lives, gleefully excising any activity which does not contribute directly toward a Harvard matriculation.  Unlike lazy roundeye parents who place an inordinate value upon their children’s happiness and ability to control their own destinies, superior Chinese parents do things just a little bit differently.  The only real difference between an Americanized child and one of Chua’s hyper-achievers is that the loafing yankee gets to have sleepovers, play a musical instrument other than the piano or violin, have unstructured free time and to participate in the various carefree activities which constitute a normal childhood.

Sure, Why WOULDN'T She Thank You, Mom?

As might be expected, Ms. Chua’s opinions are not shared by everyone.  Many lackluster white, Latino, black and Asian-of-other-than-Chinese-descent mothers* take exception to Chua’s smarmy critique of their parenting.

Chua is dismissive of the idea that her behavior will cause her daughters to one day resent her.  “They already resent me.  I resent my mother, and she her mother before her.  But as long as my girls graduate first in their class at Harvard and enter into a loveless power marriage, I’ll be satisfied.”  When asked what would make her truly happy, Chua said, “Happiness is for chumps.”

Some observers note that Ms. Chua has not been completely honest when she claims to have raised her daughter in the traditional Chinese method.  For example, it appears her daughters can walk without difficulty, indicating that Chua has likely eschewed the ancient tradition of foot-binding.  Moreover, that the author has two daughters seems to fly in the face of her claims.  In traditional Chinese culture the young ladies would have been drowned at birth, preserving the family’s precious resources for a much-more valuable boy child.

Who's The Man?

*No data exists on the relative laziness of Native American mothers. ∞T.

Free Tibet! (Or Did That Already Happen?)

06 Thursday Jan 2011

Posted by in Culture, History

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By Smaktakula

Sure, Sure--It's Super Important, But We Have Some Questions First.

It’s a challenge to drive any distance these days without seeing the ubiquitous political bumper sticker, in which complex and deeply-nuanced issues are boiled down to a sloganized reduction so bereft of substance that it makes the average high-schooler’s Tweet seem Faulknerian by comparison.  From SMILE YOU WEREN’T ABORTED’s stealthy smugness to the charmingly pathetic earnestness of KERRY/EDWARDS 2004, political bumper stickers proclaim a myriad of simplistic political philosophies expressed in varying degrees of screechiness.

FREE TIBET saw its heyday as a cause célèbre in the heady days of the Post-Soviet 1990s, when anything seemed possible–even affecting global change through the power of an adhesive decal.  Even so, FREE TIBET still doggedly clamors for attention from the rear bumpers of those who refuse to forget.

Tibetans Such As Man-Who-Watches-Sky Wonder When The Great Spirit Will End Their Oppression.

But do they know what they remember?  After seeing a certain musician (whom we choose not to name, but who recently attempted a laughably anticlimactic run at the presidency of an impoverished, voodoo-loving, non-baseball playing nation in the Caribbean) fail spectacularly to comment coherently on the situation, we began to wonder how much Tibet’s defenders actually know about the tiny, oppressed nation.  So we devised a simple test.

Although Promethean Times lives and dies on Freedom of Expression, we believe also in the responsibility to voluntarily limit that freedom to those spheres of knowledge in which the speaker has at least a rudimentary grasp of the subject.  We do not question the right of any man, woman or child to speak out of his or her ass–Promethean Times is both a proponent of and adherent to the delicately-disciplined ballet that is ass-talking–but to trumpet one’s ignorance publicly from the back of a car is not only a blaring admission of that ignorance, but allows observers to match the stupid to a face.

Tibet Boasts A Host Of Aboriginal Cultures.

Which is why Promethean Times endorses the Political Intelligence Standards Survey, a voluntary program whereby the owners of political bumper stickers would submit to a brief test of their knowledge on the subject about which they wish so stridently to opine.  Those freeway pundits able to pass the test would be able to tell the world not only that OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST!, but also to proudly proclaim that they have at least a half-formed idea of what a socialist is.

For the FREE TIBET crowd we recommend asking “On which continent will you find Tibet?”  In a perfect world the respondent would be able to name the country from which beleaguered Tibet seeks to gain its independence, but after much debate we decided that was probably asking for too much from today’s geographically-disinclined society.

The Yeti (Seen Here) And The Dalai Lama Are Two Of Tibet's More Famous Mythical Creatures.

The upshot is that the situation in Tibet is very serious, and threatens to spill over into neighboring Ivory Coast and Macedonia, with violence potentially spreading widely enough even to affect fake countries like Sri Lanka.  Until the Norwegian government sees fit to bring real freedom to the brave people of this tiny sub-Saharan nation, the Free World should never expect real peace in South America.

Well, We've Done Our Part.

Given that the above is 100% true, we’re not exactly sure why our Irony Sense goes wild at the fact that until recently some FREE TIBET flags were made in China. ∞T.

News of The Duh: Russia Declared ‘Mafia State’

06 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Wildly Funny Russian Comedian Yakov Smirnoff Once Compared His Adopted Homeland With The Country Of His Birth, Saying, "In America, You Can Always Find A Party. In Russia, Party Finds You."

Revelations from the most recent round of WikiLeaks.org releases have stunned the international community.  Among them are documents in which a Spanish prosecutor termed Russia a “virtual mafia state,” and said that he “cannot differentiate between the activities of the government and organized crime groups.”

Like Many Anti-Putin Journalists, Anna Politkovskaya Was The Victim Of An Unlucky Accident. The Elevator In Which She Was Riding Malfunctioned And Shot Her Four Times.

The prosecutor, Jose Gonzales could not be reached for comment.  This is largely due to safety concerns for anyone foolish enough to come within 100 feet of the doomed Spaniard.  Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, an expert on Russian statecraft, said, “Mr. Gonzales has made an enemy of the Putin government,” adding that in 1940, Stalin’s government had gone to great lengths to plant an ice pick in Leon Trotsky’s skull, “He’s pretty much fucked.”

"You See That Guy? When I Was In Seventh Grade, That Guy Was The Editor Of The School Paper, And He'd Always Misspell My Name 'Poopin.' You Still Think You're Funny, Mr. Funny Newspaper Guy?"

Further allegations in the leaked documents border upon the fantastic.  So-called “oil experts” cited in the diplomatic cables allege that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin amassed at least some portion of his vast fortune through extralegal means.

Russian President and Putin stooge Dmitry Medvedev was quick to dismiss the allegations as “cynicism,” explicitly pointing to the US.  Medvedev further indicated that Putin’s longtime involvement with law-enforcement as a KGB officer makes him especially sensitive to the delicate questions of personal liberty.

This Putin Critic Died Of Radiation Sickness. What Did He Think Would Happen When He Unknowingly Ingested Polonium-210?

Russian journalists had this to say regarding the allegations:

. . .

 

"Come on--I Swear I Won't Be Mad. Seriously. Just Tell Me Who Said That. No, Really--I Think It's Totally Funny What Was Said And I Just Want To Know Who Said It, That's All. Come On, Tell Me."

The Cold War is over, and its authors long dead.  A New World Order rises, one in which the United States and fellow democracies Russia and China will share the responsibilities for creating the harmonious future we all deserve.  Until then, demonizing Russia’s tyrannical overlord is not only foolish, but possibly unfounded.  Unless Putin’s critics can produce a reliable witness, one who can be relied upon not to die prematurely, there’s little evidence that Putin is anything other than the gentleman he purports to be.

WHAT A COUNTRY!

The Nobel Prize For Acceptable Politics

12 Tuesday Oct 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, History, Politics, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

We're Not Altogether Sure That Ben Stein Deserves The Nobel Peace Prize. Ferris Bueller Just Doesn't Hold Up.

The Nobel Peace Prize was once one of the most prestigious honors an individual could receive, given out for actions which furthered the pursuit of peace.  Many previous laureates are deservedly beloved either for their work toward establishing peace, or for the peaceful means by which they achieved change under difficult circumstances: Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa, Andrei Sakharov, Jimmy Carter, and non-violent head of the African National Congress, Albert Lutuli.

We're Rough On Jimmy From Time To Time, But He Earned This One.

To some degree, the Nobel Prize has always been about expressing the Nobel Committee’s political view, as in 1973, when the Peace Prize was awarded jointly to Henry Kissinger and Le Duc Tho, the latter having the good grace to refuse the award.  Two members of the committee quit in protest over the selection.

Recently, the award has slipped further toward irrelevance as the politicization of the Peace Prize has increased.  Nelson Mandela, the cause celebre of the late 1980s, was awarded the prize in 1992 despite refusing to renounce violence on behalf of the ANC, an organization he wrested from the non-violent Lutuli.

" . . . For Which I Thank The Nobel Committee. Good Night. Okay, Send 30,000 Fresh Troops To Afghanistan."

In 1993 Yitzhak Rabin and Shimon Peres shared the award with terrorist and closeted homosexual Yasser Arafat.  In 1990 Mikhail “Spot” Gorbachev was awarded the prize, but not his partner in peace, Ronald Reagan.  Following the cue of the American people, the Nobel Committee made Barrack Obama a laureate based on what he might do.  Obama took some time from planning the United States’ escalation of the War in Afghanistan to make a quick speech before the Committee.  Al Gore, America’s Official Second Banana, took home the prize in 2007 for jetting around the world to remind people to travel coach.

Fact: Excessive Amounts Of Self-Satisfaction Can Lead To Obesity.

Awarding the prize to Liu Xiaobo, a Chinese dissident further waters down the meaning of the prize.  Although Liu Xiaobo–and anyone who challenges the Beijing regime is undoubtedly brave–it’s difficult to see what achievements he’s made toward peace.  If anything, riling up an autocratic regime leads to anything but peace.

Arafat's Peace Bona Fides: While Many Of Arafat's Soldiers Died Violently, The Nobel Laureate Died Peacefully In A French Hospital.

Many recipients of the prize are certainly deserving of recognition for their superlative efforts in some field, but the Peace Prize seems cheapened somehow by giving it to people who aren’t really all that interested in peace.  What might work better is if the Nobel Committee first picked their laureate, and then created a one-time prize based on his or her accomplishments.

"So You Have Given This Award To A Killer Like Arafat, But For Ghandiji Nothing? If Your First Thought Upon Awakening This Morning Was To Piss Off The Mahatma, Then Let Me Tell You Something My Friend, 'Mission Accomplished.'"

To better demonstrate exciting innovation in award theory, we proudly present:

The Promethean Situational Peace Prize 2010 Inductees:

The Promethean Peace Prize For Cessation of Hostilities: Henry Kissinger, Le Duc Tho.

The Promethean Peace Prize For Promising to Stop Fighting: Yitzhak Rabin, Shimon Peres, Yasser Arafat.

The Promethean Peace Prize For Potential Future Peacemaking: Barack Obama.

The Promethean Peace Prize For Using Violence To Achieve Political Aims: Nelson Mandela.

Skanks In The Crosshairs, Part I: Twilight Of The Strumpets

25 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Justice, Music, National Events, North America, People, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

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By Smaktakula

Flower of American Skankhood: LiLo Mimes Fellatio For An Approving Audience.

The 21st Century promises to be a cold one for women of easy virtue.  Harlots, hos, sluts, wayward girls, hussies (both brazen and wanton), tramps, Run-Around Sues, bad girls, seductresses, chickenheads, homewreckers, libertines, gold diggers, skanks, loose women, hose-monsters, skeezers, camp tramps, tarts, women of ill repute and those of low moral fibre, free love enthusiasts, Sybarites, Jezebels, bimbos, wenches bawdy and tawdry, fuck buddies, the wrong sort, your friend’s cousin Sarah with the lazy eye, floozies, Lolitas, cougars, girls who you know, groupies, mattress backs, sure things, women named for places or emotions, hootchies, friends with benefits, supafreaks, poxy lasses, demimondes, succubi, skags, slags, vamps, the girl your mother warned you about and even the occasional adulteress have suddenly found themselves very much alone.

The Hard Part Isn't Someday Telling Your Children That You Participated In The Girls Gone Wild Co-Ed Sex Tryouts; It's Telling Them You Were Voted MVP Three Years Running.

It wasn’t always like this. Not so long ago tramps were a beloved, if not respected, part of the national social fabric.  During the Sexual Revolution, strumpetry gained such a seemingly intractable foothold within Western culture that it appeared nothing–not even the AIDS virus–could stop it.

Forty short years later the world is a very different place.  Awash in a wave of anti-skank sentiment, many countries are taking extreme measures to eliminate skankery altogether.  India’s reputation for anti-skank bigotry–or skankism— is well-deserved.  But the world hears little about skank repression in countries like China, where it is rumored that hos are forced to live in squalid re-education centers; or Iran, where strumpetry is punishable by stoning in some cases.

Today the United States and Canada, Eastern Europe and Thailand, are the last bastions of skankery.  But even in these once-safe havens, it appears time is running out.  In the United States, skankhood–long considered a cherished freedom by Americans–is facing a relentless attack.

FACT: How You View This Relationship Depends Upon Your Gender.

Not long ago, lifting up your shirt for a sweaty asshole with a camera would net you a shitty T-Shirt and enough self-loathing to last a lifetime.  Now you only get the shame.

Circa 2006, a strategically released sex-tape was the best shot at success for moderately-to-very attractive but talentless ‘actresses.’  One has only to remember the meteoric rise to vacuous stardom of Hilton and Kim Kardashian after their sex tapes were released.  But times have changed.  Recently, when tiresome jackass Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter Montana attempted to gain publicity for her own intentionally released sex tape, she was given the cold shoulder by the press.  The media sources all cited the usual reasons for the snub–questionable values, poor production and a complete lack of interest from the public due to Montana’s negligible body of work, etc.–but many feel that skankism is the cause.

Every Time Smaktakula Has Been In Paris He Has Quickly Regretted The Experience: It is Filthy, Pungent And Remarkable For Its Lack Of Native English-Speakers.

Skank arrests in the United States have more than quadrupled in the last few years.  Among the more high-profile busts are such celebriskanks as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, or skank males–better known as skonks, such as oily pornographer, Joe Francis.  Fearing for their safety, many skanks have gone underground.  Others, such as actresses Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth have pledged only to appear in  no-budget straight-to-DVD productions until they are destigmatized.  Britney Spears famously cut off her hair in protest.

Sorry Britney: Folks Just Aren't That Into Crazy Bald Chicks. Elton John Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.

Will strumpets, tramps and hos become a nostalgic relic of yesteryear America, like the mighty buffalo which once covered the Great Plains?  If the Obama Administration gets its way, the answer is yes.  The Obama Administration has made it a top priority to end Skankism in the United States by 2024, with a broader goal of stamping out skankism world-wide by 2040.

Coming Soon: Obama v. Snooki