Author Archives: Smaktakula

Not What You Were Looking Four?

07 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by in Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People

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By Smaktakula

Well what did you think we were gonna call it?  Not what you were looking for four? Imbecile.

Newer readers who are unfamiliar with our “Not What You Were Looking For?” series may wish to review our first three fabulous installments:

promethan times Wrong!

world’s worst latin mullet; russian mullet No one wins when the M Virus spreads.  At least Iran has taken precautions.

hiroshima august 6 2010 Nothing happened on that date. But 65 years earlier, the place was smokin’!

ohn and lorena bobbit Looks like that dick got sliced again.

drunk irishman shit self We’ll agree that No Line On The Horizon wasn’t U2’s finest effort.

ramtha crazy; ramtha full of shit Well which is it?

grigori perelman god proof No one is God proof–not even that crazy bastard.

bulls goring mouth Bulls gore with their horns.  They bite with their mouths.  Now you know.

sad “richard simmons” Sad?  But we thought gay was a synonym for ‘happy’?

smoking marijuana wisely It can’t be done.  Have you seen how those people dress?

promathan times Wrong!

penis fact 1952 Fact: The penis wasn’t even invented until 1955.

real garlfield cat We’re sorry that it falls upon us to tell you this, but we think you should know that Garfield isn’t real.  That’s right, he’s a cartoon character.  Douche.

live aid Live Aid did a lot of good for a lot of people.  Also, Freddy Mercury was a beloved performer who helped to put a human face to AIDS.

justin bieber sexy You’ll recall that we wished ill upon the hairless hit factory.  For sexy JB, this is more your bag.

lazy bastards on unemployment Now you’re just trying to stir up trouble.

hippie elderly people Sadly it’s true: the Baby Boomers are retiring.  They look forward to travel, spending time with their grandchildren, and self-indulgently sucking dry the nation’s financial marrow.

do dread make your head big In some instances it do.  If you blond, it make your head stupid.

pictures of black actor died Haven’t we already been through this?

how many californians smoke marijuana Too many of them.

prerry herd Is that dirty?  It sounds dirty.

saudi punishment The punishment is that the senior class won’t have a dance this year.  And they’ll all be flogged.

michael steele douchebaggery It was incompetent boobery, actually.

guy fieri pirate With that hair, we can definitely see it.  Or do you mean like a buccaneer-type pirate?

great moments in american diplomacy Here, Here and Here.

bull cow smiling Don’t trust that hermaphroditic bovine.

july 14, 1789 a.d. paris It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  Feel free to start a novel with that line.

captain sullenberger wife beater Captain Sullenberger’s wife: backtalker.

author renounces catholicism And nobody noticed.

divorced happy photos We’re guessing you spend a great deal of time huddled in a corner, weeping.

commercials we hate olive garden That’s so weird–we hate those commercials, too!  Also Bush’s Original Baked Beans.

david arquette tats You’ll wish you hadn’t.  Sooner rather than later.

cast of mom and dad save the world It Features Jon Lovitz, Teri Garr, Kathy Ireland and the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard rendered into flesh and blood, Wallace Shawn.  Also this dangerous child molester.

mexican marijuana A lot like domestic marijuana except it works harder and costs less.

promethean times Right!

Remember America’s Fallen By Making A Purchase

06 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Holiday, Mythology, National Events, North America

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By Smaktakula

It has become easy to think of Memorial Day as simply a time to squeeze in that last vacation before summer comes to an abrupt and aching end, an excuse to drive somewhere and there to cook a piece of meat, or as nothing more than a day off from work.

But most of us know in our hearts that Memorial Day is so much more than that.  It is a time to reflect upon those brave men and women who gave all that they had so that the stars & stripes might still wave over this last, greatest bastion of freedom, this shining city on the hill.

At some point today, take a short break from the barbecue or the ball game, and for a few moments, meditate on the sacrifices of these brave Americans, and upon that indefinable thing for which they gave their lives.

Then, throw a bone to Mammon and go get yourself a little something.  Otherwise, the terrorists win.

Let U$ Prai$e Him!

And the same can be said for Labor Day, only it’s for commies, too!

 

Careless Boy’s Mother Ruins A Good Thing

03 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Crime, General Foolishness, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking

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By Smaktakula

"Mrs. Robinson, You're Trying To Molest Me."

Livermore, California: A local skank faces 67 charges related to sexual acts with teenage boys.  Christine Shreeve Hubbs, 42, is said to have engaged in the scandalous behavior with two junior high school students, both in her home as well as in a motel. 

Hubbs is also facing several charges relating to contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  She is alleged to have purchased BB guns  for her two victims, and allowed them to perform “drive-bys” from the back of her moving Hummer.  The victims also add that Hubbs plied them with gift cards and cash.   

And Here's To You, Ms. Hubbs. Adolescent Boys Love You More Than You Will Ever Know. Coo Coo Ca-Choo!

As with all good things, this idyllic life of sex, easy cash and firearms was destined to end.  One of the boys was careless with his cell phone, which contained nude pictures of Hubbs.  The boy’s snooping mother found the pictures and called the police, who brought this charming coming-of-age story to an abrupt and frustrating end. 

How events might have unfolded differently if the boy’s father had stumbled across the phone before his mother can only be conjectured.          

Because Opportunities Like This Come Along So Frequently When You're Fourteen.

When am I gonna get over this?  I don’t know, Mom–How about NEVER?

Raves Are Best Enjoyed Without Drugs Or Love

03 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by in Culture, Culture, Music, News

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By Smaktakula

It’s hard to believe that the world has changed so much in just a year.  For at least a generation, raves represented one of the last bastions of good, clean, American fun.  But now things are changing: the unwelcome shadow of drugs is increasingly encroaching upon the outer edges of the scene.

These Drug-Free Kids Prove The Old Raver Adage: You Can Be Dippy Without Being Trippy.

When Promethean Times first reported on this phenomenon, we dismissed these early warnings as the work of one or two bad apples.  Nor were we alone in underestimating the threat posed by illicit chemicals.  Promethean Times still holds that drugs are not necessary to enjoy an air-raid siren set to a metronomic beat, and that the shared joy of grinding sexlessly against the nearest sweaty, stinking body is in no way enhanced by chemicals.  We believe that a twenty-eight year old dressed up as the Lorax can be kooky and fun, and not just a wincingly pitiable product of drug-attenuated tastes.  But are these long-cherished values still embraced by today’s young ravers?

"I'm Not The Lorax, Dammit! I'm Wilford Brimley, And Your Diabetes Is Out Of Control!"

There are troubling indications that these wholesome traditions are breaking down.  In Los Angeles, 80 people were arrested and several hospitalized at yet another rave.  Most of the arrests and hospitalizations were the result of drug use.

Fact: Gathering Massive Numbers Of Germans In One Place For Any Reason Means Someone's Going To Die.

The use of “Love” in the name of the gathering points to a disturbing new trend, where young people hold orgiastic celebrations in honor of the positive emotion.   Americans should count themselves lucky with the casualties they did receive–in the German Love Parade 21 people were crushed to death in a stampede of unbridled affection.

Your Mother Must Be Very Proud.

Meet Tomorrow’s Tyrants Today: Even Littler Kim

02 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by in Asia, Culture, History, Military, Mythology, Politics, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

The question of succession in North Korea weighs heavily on heads of state across the globe.  This is particularly true for neighbors of the belligerent Asian nation, who fear the possible future of a North Korea even more despotic and mercurial than the current regime.

Meet the Brilliant Comrade, Kim Jong-un.  Born sometime around 1982 or 1983, Kim Jong-il’s youngest son and chosen successor is said to be very much like his father in temperament and tastes, meaning he is a megalomaniacal, avaricious dickball perfectly suited to lord over North Korea during the stupefying ruination of the impoverished third-world hellhole.

There is some danger of a power struggle after the elder Kim dies.  Not only does the Brilliant Comrade face treachery on the military front from upstart generals grown weary of Clan Kim’s wacky rule, but also internecine connivance from passed-over older brothers, Kim Larry-il and Kim Curly-jo.

This is one of the few pictures of ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim known to exist.

"Do You Rike . . . Nintendo?"

Update: Within five minutes of the picture’s publication, authorities received over five hundred calls from citizens who claimed they had spotted Kim Jong-un.  The vast majority of these erroneous sightings–and in one or two cases false imprisonment–occurred in Orange and Los Angeles County shopping malls.

Man, The Discovery Channel Really Pissed That Guy Off

02 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by in Corporate Culture, Crime, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Terrorism

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By Smaktakula

Self-loathing nutjob James Lee stormed into the Discovery Channel offices Wednesday looking for justice.  Instead, the environmental radical bumbled his way into a delicious pile of irony.

Lee’s apparent purpose was to serve as a sort of homicidal spokesperson for nature.  The police obliged by shooting him down like a dog.

"Another Thing: Why Can't We Have 52 Weeks Of SHARK WEEK?" We Hear You, Brother.

Bonus: There’s one less nasty human messing up the planet.  Way to take one for the team, Jim!

Sinister Forces Align Against Fugeeman

01 Wednesday Sep 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Powerful interests have turned on Wyclef “Fugeeman” Jean in an effort to scuttle the hip-hop star’s bid to become president of his native Haiti.  Only a few weeks ago, when Fugeeman threw his braids into the ring, it seemed the musician-turned-statesman was certain to claim Haiti’s presidency, and at least make a passable effort at saving the doomed nation before looting its increasingly dry coffers.

Fugeeman: His Ascension To The Presidency Would Bump Voodoo Down To #2 On The List Of Things People Know About Haiti.

It may never come to pass: Haiti’s provisional election council has ruled that Jean is ineligible for the presidency since he has lived outside of Haiti during the last five years.  That Haiti has a governing body able to make such decisions will no doubt come as a shock to many observers, who reasonably assumed the impoverished nation to be much like the Wild West, only with voodoo dolls and zombies.

Fugeeman vowed to carry on.  But now there was blood in the water.  The next betrayal came from an unexpected source–Fugeeman’s former bandmate, Pras.  Pras signalled his betrayal with a metaphorical kiss on the cheek, saying that while he “loves Wyclef dearly,” he is supporting Michel “Sweet Micky” Martelly, citing both competence and a better nickname.

Sweet Micky Doesn't Want You To Be Swayed By Shitty Production Values.

A more notable Fugeefoe is talented actor and high school graduate Sean Penn.  Outside of his many fine performances on the big screen, Penn is perhaps best known for cozying up to undemocratic dictators like Saddam Hussein and Penn’s pal Hugo Chavez, as well as for talking a great deal on subjects of which he a limited understanding.  Penn reportedly fears that Fugeeman will allow American companies to come into Haiti with their filthy, economy-reviving money.  Presumably, Penn favors a Bolivarian type, like the coca-chawing Chavez.  Although it is unclear that Chavez’ successes in Venezuela could be replicated in Haiti, as there are no opposition television stations to shut down.  Furthermore, in Haiti the idea of a strongman abolishing the constitution and becoming dictator for life is old hat.

Sean Doesn't Understand Much Of What His BFF Is Saying, But He Nods And Smiles To Be Polite.

Perhaps Fugeeman’s only misstep in his campaign  has been when he referred to his “Rastafarian heritage.”  When a reporter responded that Rastafarianism was more commonly associated with Jamaica, Fugeeman patiently replied, “Haiti.  I’m from Haiti.”

Wyclef's Love Song To Haiti: "Bitch Better Have My Money."

Despite his obvious qualifications and overall grooviness, an unseen cadre has so far been successful in thwarting Jean’s historic bid.  However, Fugeeman is reportedly already preparing for this eventuality.  He is said to be quietly assembling an army of hip-hop jihadists,  and a flotilla of speedboats.  No one wants to avoid bloodshed more than the peace-professing musician.  But Fugeefoes beware: a coup sponsored by MTV and BET is hardly the worst career move Wyclef Jean could make.

Jimmy Carter Makes Modest Headway In Ongoing Bid For Historical Relevance

31 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Asia, Crime, History, International Relations, Justice, National Events, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

Historical footnote Jimmy Carter has managed to secure the release of Aijalon Gomes from North Korea.  Gomes had been sentenced to eight years hard labor under the autocratic regime of the dying, but still comically despotic Kim Jong-il.

Showing America's Soft Underbelly To Her Enemies Didn't Do It, And Building Houses For The Needy Didn't Do It Either. Perhaps Freeing A Few Hostages Will Help Erase The Stigma Of Being An Ineffectual One-Termer.

Although Carter is unable to claim to be the first white-haired Democratic Ex-President to secure the release of American hostages in North Korea, he is proud to say that he is the first not to bang them on the plane ride home.

"One Was Named Lee And The Other Ling, But I'll Tell You What, Brother--I Was Damned If I Could Tell The Difference!"

Manny Ramirez Now Chicago’s Problem

31 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Culture, Games, National Events, People, Sports

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By Smaktakula

The Chicago White Sox claimed Manny Ramirez on Monday off waivers from the Los Angeles Dodgers.

The White Sox hope that the rapidly aging abuser of female fertility hormones will be able to deliver enough with his bat to make the difference in their increasingly desperate battle with the Minnesota Twins for first place in the American League Central.

The moment is bittersweet for the Dodgers, bringing to close a sometimes-exciting, sometimes-frustrating era of dreadlocked douchebaggery.  Sadly for the Dodgers and their fans, unreliable space-waster George Sherrill still remains.

Ramirez Explains That Gobbling Human Choronic Gonadotropin Gave Him "Really Huge Knockers."

Feud With Manson Family Now Officially A ‘Beef’

30 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, Mythology, People, Prison Culture, Relationships, Social Networking

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By Smaktakula

Charles Manson: Believes He Has Been Unfairly Depicted As Some Kind Of Lunatic.

Corcoran State Prison, California:  Messianic fantasist Charles Manson is said to be upset with website Promethean Times over some material which appeared on the site.  On August 17th, Promethean Times published an article entitled Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Family Matters, in which Manson was depicted as interpreting a message from the Beatles to mean that one of his followers, or “Family,” should prepare a sandwich for the deranged cult leader.                                   

Manson released the following statement late yesterday:                                    

People talk about Charlie Manson all the time.  They love to talk, talk, talk–and this dude with the ridiculous name ain’t no different.  But let Uncle Charlie share some wisdom with you and clear some things right up:  Charlie is like a dark sun, and his light shines on you, Baby!                                   

Man, it don’t matter how safe you think you are ’cause Charlie’s in here and you’re out there, but already my people walk among you, Piggies.                                

Smaktakula is dead!  He’s dead and doesn’t even know it yet, man!  He was dead yesterday.  He was dead before his parents met–before time began.                     

The people got to learn–they got to learn what happens when you tell lies about Charlie Manson.                               

Okay, in the first place, Charlie doesn’t even like the Beatles.  Man, I don’t know how many times . . .                                    

(Edited for length)                                    

This is the second instance in which Promethean Times and the Manson Family have crossed paths.  The first, an insipid joke juxtaposing Manson Family victim Abigail Folger with Tiger Woods’ former girlfriend Irene Folstrom, is considered something of a nonincident.  The vast majority of Promethean Times readers either missed the joke or didn’t get it.  The 5 readers who got it were in complete accord, finding it hugely unfunny.                         

We Suggest Charlie Carve This Into His Forehead.

From his the security of his vast and well-appointed estate somewhere in North America, Smaktakula said:                                   

We were notified of Mr. Manson’s threats earlier this afternoon by officials at Corcoran.  Smaktakula and the Promethean Times’ staff want to let our readers know that we refused to dignify the spittle-flecked ravings of a sun-starved old man whose formerly shocking excesses have been rendered prosaic by the increasing horrors of the ensuing four decades.                                 

These threats are more pathetic than frightening.  Mr. Manson’s ominous tales about the legions of fanatical acolytes waiting on the master’s word to rise up and begin the great killing are somewhat dubious, when after forty years he still he can’t spell ‘Helter Skelter’ correctly.  That’s right Charlie–it’s got no A in it.  The excess was no doubt due to you already being a complete A-Hole.                       

So, while we are certainly flattered by the attention, we doubt that any morrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr           

death to piggies

healter skelter

                     

goddamnit…still….spelling…it…wro

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