Tag Archives: comical despots

Jimmy Carter Makes Modest Headway In Ongoing Bid For Historical Relevance

31 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Asia, Crime, History, International Relations, Justice, National Events, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

Historical footnote Jimmy Carter has managed to secure the release of Aijalon Gomes from North Korea.  Gomes had been sentenced to eight years hard labor under the autocratic regime of the dying, but still comically despotic Kim Jong-il.

Showing America's Soft Underbelly To Her Enemies Didn't Do It, And Building Houses For The Needy Didn't Do It Either. Perhaps Freeing A Few Hostages Will Help Erase The Stigma Of Being An Ineffectual One-Termer.

Although Carter is unable to claim to be the first white-haired Democratic Ex-President to secure the release of American hostages in North Korea, he is proud to say that he is the first not to bang them on the plane ride home.

"One Was Named Lee And The Other Ling, But I'll Tell You What, Brother--I Was Damned If I Could Tell The Difference!"

Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Race, Sports, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For?  In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed. 

You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For?  Conversely, you might really dislike it.  It’s not for us to decide.

promeethean times  And wee’re off!

cock riders  The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.

unemployment lazy   Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.

skankist  You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, please enjoy.

sexy dick in mouth non  Oui!

obama rethinking marijuana  Will he rethink that rap video?

be glad you’re not that guy   Oh, we are.

sexy man spaghetti  Um.

anti george sherrill  You’ll find a home here, friend.

jay bush bean prison  If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail.  And for Duke, the glue factory.

athretes  Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.

michael lohan cock  Isn’t he though?

fred phelps secret  The secret is that he’s a raging homo.

fat people running  Hmm, there’s something about this . . .

children running of the bulls spain   . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem. 

donkey cock   Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?

walt stoelting blog  Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.

wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide  Oh, very clever.  We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables.  Actually, that is pretty clever.  And pointless.

pauly shore weed  It would explain a lot.

safe horse fuck movies  We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.

miley cyrus delusional  Totally.

abigail folger  Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?

olive garden people   They’re not people.  THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap.  We were thinking of Soylent Green.

the violence and madness of arab muslim  Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out.  We can’t help you.

nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh.  Good . . . very good.  Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing.  TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!

beautiful dreadlock guy  He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.

pakistani penis  Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link.  How about some Turkish Tool?  No?  Mauritanian Meat-Sword?

elderly remote  Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote. 

penis in bosses mouth   Shh. Hush now, Boss.  Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.

dirty mullet  Is there any other kind?

happy thoughts  Happy to oblige! 

drugged raver  Fish in a barrel, man.  Fish in a barrel.

lorena bobbit and bull penis  We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find.  No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.

live aid  Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What?  He did?  How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things?  We’re so, so sorry.

asshole hairstyles   So do you mean . . .?  No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole.  Pretty sure.

k2 inhalants  Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.

black man cock  Really?  In 2010?  Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis.  We do judge by length and thickness, however.  You have been warned.

vagina  Okay, this one’s a fake.   It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.

Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!

Facebook Probably Isn’t Looking For Us Either. But Screw Them. Do You Sheeple Always Do What You’re Told?

Saving Keanu

13 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by in Art, Cinema, Culture, Health, Hollywood, People, Relationships

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The crazy bastards at Thinksquad have always been ambitious–mercilessly antagonizing comical despot Kim Jong-il and mocking not-so-comical despot Vladimir Putin.  They’ve even explored Barack Obama’s regrettable past as a rap-video extra.  Now Thinksquad is taking on one man’s mental illness.   

It just may be the most important person of our times–the world’s preeminent thespian, trenchant philosopher and bona fide American* treasure: Keanu Reeves.  Apparently, the man who gave us such beloved characters as Theodore “Ted” Logan, Scott Favor and Johnnies Mnemonic and Utah has been in a blue funk lately, one which sources close to the megastar say could be life-threatening.   

Karl Childers, Keanu's Spiritual Mentor, Shares Some Wisdom: "Ah Bet Some French Frahd 'Taters'd Cheer You Raht Up. NNNGHHH."

See how you can help by clicking here: Whoa!   

*In light of his complete and total awesomeness, the Beruit-born Canadian citizen can be considered an “American” treasure.
Smaktakula

This Day In History: July 8, 1994 CE

08 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by in Asia, Cults, History, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

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Kim Il-sung, North Korea’s Great Leader and instigator of the Korean War, dies of a heart attack at 82.

With The Great Leader's Goofy Son Kim Jong-il Woefully Unqualified To Succeed His Father, Totalitarian North Korea Should Fall By 1995. 1996 At The Latest.

Not What You Were Looking For?

07 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, People, Race, Relationships, Television, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

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By Smaktakula

We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us.  Of course, this is sometimes not the case.

Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.

small black actor died We can do that.

gary coleman death pictures He was a beautiful human being, and now he’s gone.  What the hell is wrong with you people?

lindsay lohan child pics We’re hoping you mean stills from her films.  We can help you here and here.  But if that’s not what you mean, maybe this is more your speed, Creepo.

Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.

K2 We can do that.

huffing And that.

choking game That too.

somali pirates We can do that.

freshy somalis Um.

backwater shithole We can do that.

proud herpes There’s a proud kind?  Damn.  Smaktakula  kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.

difference between a midget and a dwarf You got us.  Try Wikipedia, Asshat.

bush pukes on japanese We can do that.

lesbian lactating Ew.  We don’t do that.  Please return to the fetid basement apartment from which you came.

kim jong il sad Try Thinksquad.  Those crazy bastards are fucking with the Dear Leader as we speak.

dirty russian Hmm.  Hope you were looking for our pal, Grigori.

shannon price evil And a cooze!

pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom.  Inquire for purchase.

what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years.  In the meantime, try this.

fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!

charlie sheen first amendment It’s true that Mr. Sheen is a first-rate legal scholar, but we examine other aspects of the Sheen Mystique here and here.

is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.

giant playground-mcdonalds Were we able to help you?

indian sniper We can do that.

man fuck a horse Your mother must be very proud.

*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.

Dear Leader Tells N. Korea Soccer Team: It’s Arr Good, Ferrahs!

23 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Asia, Culture, Games, Human Rights, International Relations, Justice, People, Politics, Relationships, Soccer, Sports, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

Word came quickly from Pyongyang today in an effort to quell the persistent rumors that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il is displeased with North Korea’s poor showing at the World Cup.  The team’s first match, a respectable 2-1 loss to highly ranked Brazil, was followed by a humiliating 7-0 ass-whupping at the hands of Portugal.          

This Man's Poor Performance Not Only Shames His Nation, But Also Costs His Daughter Her Thumbs

Said a representative of the impoverished third-world hellhole:          

The Dear Leader is very pleased with the effort of our beloved national athletes, although he is, of course, disappointed at the results.  Likewise, there is no truth to the rumors that Kim has executed the atheletes’ parents, only to cook them and serve them to the defeated players upon their return.          

He continued:          

Nor should any credence be given to the wild allegations that the water supply to atheletes’ homes has been cut off.  Like everyone else in North Korea, they never had running water.          

Following their disappointing performance, the players are no doubt eager to leave the chaos of the free world behind and return to a simpler life in North Korea.          

The athletes will be given a hero’s welcome.  Just as Promethean Times went to press, Pyongyang announced that the Dear Leader would be hosting a private banquet for the footballers upon their arrival in North Korea.          

"When You Great Athretes Get Home, I Got Rearry Big Surprise For You. I Think You Rearry Gonna Rove It!"

Share The Awful Truth With Facebook

Iran Sanctions IV: This Time It’s For Reals

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by in General Foolishness, International Relations, Middle East, Military, Politics, Regional Politics, Relationships, Terrorism, World Affairs

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The United Nations has signalled that it is once again ready to talk tough with Iran.  US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised that the UN’s forthcoming sanctions against Iran’s nuclear program will be the most stringent yet.

It remains for posterity to judge the efficacy of not only these sanctions, but also the inevitable series of future sanctions.

Or, you could ask this gentleman:

Ooooh, The UN Gonna Put Sanctions On Me. I'm Rearry Scared!*

Stop Or I’ll Say Stop Again!: The Associated Press: Clinton says Iran sanctions will be toughest ever.

Smaktakula
*More sensitive readers may feel that we have depicted terrifying muppet Kim Jong-il as speaking like an Asian stereotype.  Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, Kim speaks with what is commonly called the Comical Despot Standard Accent.  Speakers with the CDSA experience significant difficulty  when pronouncing ‘L’ sounds.
For any readers who were offended, we suggest you examine your own motives.  It’s very likely you’re a racist.

When Great-Grandma Is An Anti-Semite

08 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Middle East, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Relationships, Scandal, World Affairs

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Helen Thomas apologized for exercising her First Amendment rights, but she’s still out of a job.    

WIR MUSSEN DIE JUDEN AUSROTTEN!

Why is an idea deemed heinous when voiced by a single, senile old bag, but excused away when expressed by the leader of a country with nuclear ambitions?  

I'm Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, And I Approved This Message

It’s Not Free Speech, It’s Arbeit Macht Frei Speech: FOXNews.com – Helen Thomas Apologizes for Saying Jews Should ‘Get the Hell Out of Palestine’.    

Smaktakula

News Of The Duh: Hostile North Korea May Present Threat To Peace

31 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Asia, Culture, Duh, International Relations, Military, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

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The Leaders of Japan, South Korea and China held a summit recently to discuss North Korea’s unprovoked torpedo attack on the South Korean vessel, the Cheonan.

Apparently, one objective of the summit was to determine whether North Korea’s action, which resulted in the Cheonan’s sinking and the loss of 46 sailors, was a threat to peace.

They determined that it was.

So Ronery? Ronery Rike A Fox!

See These Three Wise Men Try To Find Their Posteriors With Both Hands And A Flashlight: BBC News – Asian trio say Cheonan sinking is threat to peace.

Smaktakula