Tag Archives: untalented stars

Did I Do That?: When Urkels Attack

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, News

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By Smaktakula

In a classy move right out of the Sheen Playbook, Trivial Pursuit answer Jaleel ‘Urkel’ White is accused of beating the mother of his child.  Bridget Hardy, white’s ex-girlfriend, alleges that the former child star punched her in one of her breast implants and later shoved her into a toilet hard enough to break it, as well as engaging in other violent and threatening activities.

Jerkel: The Has-Been Became Enraged And Accused Hardy Of Infidelity When It Was Revealed That Her Child Was Good Looking And Not At All Socially Awkward.

Tell Facebook What This Also-Ran Has Been Up To

Colorado No Longer Among The Minority Of States Where Charlie Sheen Has No Criminal Record

20 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Cretinous tabloid headline Charlie Sheen is heading back to rehab at the court’s insistence.  Sheen is to spend thirty days at a rehabilitation facility, followed by thirty days of probation.  This makes it a full sixty days before he can go on a bender or backhand the woman he loves without automatically going back to jail.

Jenny Was Playing So Well, Too. It Was Such A Shame That She Had To Hit Herself In The Face With Her Racquet Five Times.

For a brief moment in the late 1980s and early 1990s, Sheen was thought to be on the verge of movie stardom.  This becomes somewhat more understandable when it is remembered that the same era gave us the Look Who’s Talking? and Three Men And A Baby franchises, Max Headroom and funnyman Pauly Shore.

Sheen is reportedly eager to serve out his time and get clean.  Following that, it’s expected he’ll return to doing what he does best: intoning shitty material that wouldn’t even be recognizable as an attempt at humor without the Pavlovian laugh track to squeeze some chuckles from the mouth-breathing audience.

His best shot at continued success is to stick to a simple formula: Don’t hit the bottle, don’t hit the wife.

Sheen, Seen Here At A White Power Rally, Has Shed Every Last Vestige Of The Human Being Named Carlos Estevez.

A Great New Way To Make Mom And Dad Pay For What They Did

13 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by in Art, Cinema, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Social Networking

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By Smaktakula

Why not get inked by tiresome former celebrity and citizen of Clan Arquette, David A. Cox?   

"It's A Dragon That Shoots Dragons From Its Eyes! And Then Those Dragons Shoot Dragons From Their Eyes, Too! And Then Those Dragons--Guess What They Shoot From Their Eyes? Guess! Oh, Man! You Are So Not Gonna Regret This!"

Well, you know what, Mom?  Maybe if you’d bought me Red Power Ranger with the light-up eyes and collectible key chain for Christmas 1999 like I asked you to, then maybe I wouldn’t need to get the Chinese character for ‘Fire’ tattooed on my chest.  But what do I know, right?  I’m only your son.  You tell me, Mom.  You tell me.

Mark Wahlberg Is Nothing Without The Funky Bunch. Nothing!

13 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Music, People

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By Smaktakula

There.  We said it.                                     

Marky Mark Wishes He Could Travel Forward In Time To Lay A Beatdown On That Poser, Mark Wahlberg, Like In That Dope New Movie Terminator 2. Except Opposite.

 It seems as if the brash young rapper who once snarled, Money is the thing that I need to fulfill my greed is gone.  Thespian Mark Wahlberg, as Marky Mark now prefers to be called, has reached a level of financial success of which the hungry young kid from Boston and his creepy supernumerary nipple might only have dreamed.    

A life of contentment has erased any trace of the beguiling young star who once brazenly dedicated a book to his own penis.  However, it is doubtful that even the most cynical observer would have predicted Wahlberg’s quiet spiral into soullessness.  In a recent interview, the hollow ghost of his former It-Boy incarnation admitted that he would dust off his negligible hip-hop chops to rap on a Justin Bieber album, if only the hairless hit factory would ask him.                              

Vibrations good like Sunkist/Many wanna know who done this
You did it, Marky.  You did it to yourself.  We were powerless to do anything but watch you fall apart.

Word To Facebook

Everything Suddenly Coming Up Promethean Times

02 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Music, National Events, People, Relationships, Television

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A Very Special Message From Smaktakula

Much like human papillomavirus in America’s high schools, Promethean Times is pretty hard to avoid these days.                            

Thanks, Formerly Promising 90's Alternative Icon And Cataclysmically-Retarded, Silicone-Infused Temporary Wife! We're Excited Too!

Find Promethean Times At                             

WWW.PROMETHEANTIMES.COM                               

For our elderly or intellectually disinclined readers:  Don’t get excited; the old address will still take you where you want to go.                               

Join the Promethean Cadre on Facebook.                              

Not telling your Facebook friends about Promethean Times is tantamount to admitting you don’t really have any friends.                              

                       

Now that Promethean Times tweets, Twitter is culturally relevant.  Follow Promethean Times on Twitter.             

The cruel remark about not having any friends if you don’t spread the Promethean Gospel applies to Twitter as well, in the unlikely event that there remained any lingering ambiguity.                              

  

"GLEEBUL FUM! Promethean Times. HUURRR..."

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Still Not What You Were Looking For?

30 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by in Art, Baseball, Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, History, Hollywood, Humor, International Relations, National Politics, People, Places, Political Correctness, Sports, Television, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose.  See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.

live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time.  Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved?  Thank you so much, Mike Meyers.  You too, Carvey.

humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you.  The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa.  Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission.  While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search.  Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.

narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life.  Please try to respect that.

redman fraternal organization Right here.  Whites only, please.

criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger.  The birds sent you, didn’t they?

wind up monkey Clang!  Clang!

underage boys blog We can’t help you, but thanks for checking.  Please remember to remain at least 500 feet from schools and city parks at all times.

america soccer ambivalence Happy to oblige.

bad mullet Is there any other kind?

when mullets attack We’re listening.

hell of a mullet Hell yeah!

skanky ho lindsay lohan Isn’t she, though?

raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!

old rainier brewery rave  Smaktakula may have attended one of these.  As a narc, of course.

will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!

ramtha volcanic eruption  We’ve got it.

ramtha marijuana Interesting.  Tell us more.

bush brothers & co new product New?  Treachery is as old as time itself.

passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.

bull rider die And how!

waco massacre Dammit, Janet!

driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.

george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.

jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky.  We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.

kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive.  It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.

garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass.  Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will.  Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.

haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.

pakastani home mad porn movies Ah!  A connoisseur!

irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?

mister wal mart He got laid off.

racism or cults in yelm wa Yelm really does offer a little something for everyone.

obama surprised Say Whaaaaaaaat?

sexy man cock Fred, just stop.  While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off.  The answer is no.

billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny.  Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.

johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.

north korean prison food Don’t be foolish.  There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.

john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink.  Try looking at eye level.

have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes.  You think this is easy?  You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities?  Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker.  But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.

iran haircut policy Surprisingly progressive.

promethean lawsuit Uh oh.

Facebook Is Looking For Promethean Times As We Speak. Share This!

Saving Keanu

13 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by in Art, Cinema, Culture, Health, Hollywood, People, Relationships

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The crazy bastards at Thinksquad have always been ambitious–mercilessly antagonizing comical despot Kim Jong-il and mocking not-so-comical despot Vladimir Putin.  They’ve even explored Barack Obama’s regrettable past as a rap-video extra.  Now Thinksquad is taking on one man’s mental illness.   

It just may be the most important person of our times–the world’s preeminent thespian, trenchant philosopher and bona fide American* treasure: Keanu Reeves.  Apparently, the man who gave us such beloved characters as Theodore “Ted” Logan, Scott Favor and Johnnies Mnemonic and Utah has been in a blue funk lately, one which sources close to the megastar say could be life-threatening.   

Karl Childers, Keanu's Spiritual Mentor, Shares Some Wisdom: "Ah Bet Some French Frahd 'Taters'd Cheer You Raht Up. NNNGHHH."

See how you can help by clicking here: Whoa!   

*In light of his complete and total awesomeness, the Beruit-born Canadian citizen can be considered an “American” treasure.
Smaktakula

Kurt Cobain’s Spirit Exacts A Slow And Terrible Vengeance On Courtney Love

29 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Crime, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Justice, Music, People, Poetry, Relationships, Scandal

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Courtney Love, Generation X’s heroin-slagged answer to Yoko Ono, is an oozing societal sore which refuses doggedly to heal.               

The most heinous of her crimes, of course, is being so loathsome that Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain found the taste of a shotgun preferable to the thought of spending even one more second listening to Love’s screeching voice.              

Included among the vast legion of people who consider Love an epic cooze is the talentless harpy’s own daughter, Frances Bean Cobain.  The younger Cobain prevailed upon the court recently to emancipate her from the chemical-crazy she-beast from whose cankerous loins she sprang.  The court mercifully agreed.               

Unfortunately for young Francis Bean, the trust fund left for her by her father’s estate won’t be as easy to emancipate.  Just as Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl already know, nobody clings with greater tenacity to the fruits of more talented labors than does Courtney Love.  Adding insult to injury, the trust fund has grown mysteriously lighter, to the tune of $8 Million.*               

Hey Pretty Lady, Was That Your Fine Ass I Saw Down At the SELL-UR-BLOOD The Other Day?

In a final irony, the ravages of an indiscreet lifestyle have transformed Courtney Love from a shapely, Anna Nicole Smith-wannabe into a virtual doppelgänger of Yoko Ono: a yellow, shriveled, screaming mess.               

This Would Be Funny If It Weren’t So . . . Hell, It IS Funny: Click Track – Courtney Love leads Hole through disastrous 9:30 club concert.               

*Sources close to this vapid skank estimate that $8 Million worth of OxyContin would keep Ms. Love high for the better part of two weeks.
Smaktakula

The Canonical Pauly Shore

23 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Uncategorized

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By Smaktakula

Paul Montgomery Shore, better known as Pauly, came along at a time when America needed him most.  In the early to mid 1990’s, this twitchy, bedraggled gypsy fit neatly into the pop culture void created by the absence  of the two Coreys, but which had yet to be filled by the testosterone-fueled fury of Vin Diesel.

Pauly Shore’s movies are beloved by millions of cinema devotees.  Not unlike tiresome anachronism Jerry Lewis, this madcap buffoon’s zany antics speak to the child inside all of us.

However, there is a long running debate among Pauly Shore scholars as to which of the comedian’s many cinematic appearances can be considered true “Pauly Shore” movies, as opposed to movies where the actor merely graces the screen with his presence.

To Our Younger Readers: For The Briefest of Moments In The 20th Century, This Was Considered Cool

Pauly Shore scholarship is still a relatively new discipline, not yet in its second full decade.  As such, academics have yet to reach a consensus as to which films are canon, and which are not.  Most experts agree on the following 5 criteria:

1) Pauly Shore must be the star of the film, and have most of the dialogue.

2) Top-billed co-stars, if any, may be neither a) better-known than Pauly Shore, or b) more talented.

3) Pauly Shore portrays a loveable misfit/fish-out-of-water, thrust in a situation completely alien to his funky-fresh Southern California lifestyle.

4) Pauly Shore must be initially reviled by the other principal characters, often including the love interest.  However, through the course of the film, they will come to see that while Pauly Shore’s character may be unconventional, everybody benefits by adopting his grating mannerisms and attitude.

5) Pauly Shore must learn something.

While deciding which films to include among the canon can be a difficult task, determining which films should not is ridiculously simple.   While Phantom of the Mall, Casper Meets Wendy and The Wash all feature irritating performances by Pauly Shore, none of those films meet the basic standards defined above.

Recently, an article in the PMS Scholar attempted the daunting task of determining a Pauly Shore canon.  The article, which posited six canonical films was well-received and widely read.

Heretical though our beliefs may be considered in some quarters, Promethean Times recognizes only four films as official canon.  They are:

Son-In-Law: The first of the “true” Pauly films.

In The Army Now: Actual actors Esai Morales and David Alan Grier are forced to give top billing to Shore, habitual sex-offender Andy “Hey Wanna Touch My” Dick and hideous tomboy Lori Petty.

Jury Duty: The nadir of the canon.  Pauly Shore’s deservedly forgotten film.

Bio-Dome: A triumphant return to form, featuring horse-like gay icon Kyle Minogue, a Baldwin (non-Alec), and a brief appearance by inexplicably beloved fake band Tenacious D.

Although the PMS Scholar considers the following two films to be canon, Promethean Times does not.

Encino Man: The film that introduced the world at large to Pauly Shore.  For that alone it deserves recognition.  However, it does not qualify for the canon.  Although Pauly Shore steals the movie with weaselly gusto, both Brendan Fraser and Samwise Gamgee have larger roles.

Pauly Shore Is Dead: The anti-Pauly Shore movie, directed by Shore himself.  Cannot be included in the canon due to the heightened degree of awareness Shore has by this time that for most humans, his personality is the equivalent to fingernails on a chalkboard.

I feel dirty.

Make Facebook Dirty, Too

All Men Are Created Equal (Not Really)

09 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Justice, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Race

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By Smaktakula

For those who don’t know, a hate crime is a crime that is committed against a black, disabled, jewish or gay person that isn’t committed by a black, disabled, jewish or gay person.

The distinction can be tricky.  Simply hating someone and then committing a crime against them is not sufficient to be considered a hate crime.  Likewise, because a crime is hateful, doesn’t automatically qualify it as a hate crime.  For example, stabbing an elderly woman 13 times in the face for her social security check is not, in and of itself, a hate crime.  Supposing however, that the old lady in question is a lesbian while her attacker is not, then it is indeed a hate crime.

Hate crimes are considered more heinous than other crimes.  As such, they carry stiffer sentences than their non-hate brethren, in much the way that stealing $1,000,000 is considered worse than stealing $49.50.  Given that the first sum is worth more, most people would agree that the theft of same should carry with it a more rigorous penalty.

Logically then, the types of people who are potential victims of hate crimes are of greater value to society than those who aren’t.  Were this not the case, all crimes of a similar nature (i.e., assault, rape, murder, being salty) would be punished equally under the law.

Since all crimes of a similar nature do not meet this criterion, it follows that the least worthy element in our society is the straight, white, ambulatory male.

When Viewed In This Light, It Does Make A Certain Sense.